Up *%#@ Creek

Worth it!

2006-10-31T19:55:00.000-05:00

They are here!
I'm more exhausted than I ever thought possible so I'm going to keep this short. The girls arrived here on the 13th and are healthy little chunks! They are just so precious and yet an absolute handfull. I hope to post more later about their birth and some very important things I have learned about being a new mom.
If you've wondered if the infertility treatment road can ever be worth it, I can tell you truly that it is worth every painful inch. Knowing what I know now, I would have/could have endured so much more to have these little miracles.
If you're still waiting for your miracle, hang in there. And for what it's worth, just know that I think about you more now than ever.

Post Office

2006-10-11T16:19:00.000-04:00

Strange things happen when I go to the post office. People say very weird things to me while I am there. Especially in the parking lot. On Monday, as I was getting in the car, someone got me again. This very beautiful woman offered me a "Congrats" to which I replied "thanks". As she passed by she said, "I wish I was having a baby". Looking at her face when she said that was like looking at myself before I became pregnant. The comment and her look stopped me dead in my tracks. I said to her, "Oh...I'm sorry....I wish you were too." I wanted to go up to her and hug her and do anything I could to take away the pain that I could see in her face and hear in her words. As she was going in the door she said something to me back over her shoulder but I didn't hear what she said.
I keep seeing her face in my mind and I'm just so very sad for her.

Updates

2006-10-06T14:15:00.000-04:00

Looks like we will most likely be having a c-section on next Friday. Pretty pleased about that. I'm ready (I think) to put the whole pregnancy thing behind me. The girls are becoming little chunks: 7 lbs and 6 lbs with another week to grow. Very, very happy about that. I'll update sooner if anything else changes.

Happy Baby

2006-09-25T20:23:00.000-04:00

During our ultrasound today we say Paige smiling! What could she possibly be smiling about in there? It was so beautiful!! A couple of nights ago I had a dream that I was holding one of them and she smiled at me. I thought the dream was awesome until I saw the real thing today.

Do not attempt the following...

2006-09-24T17:10:00.000-04:00

Before I became pregnant, I was an avid gardener. Every evening I spent some time in my beautiful flower gardens and every weekend included at least half a day’s work pruning and fertilizing and mulching and watering. Since I've been on modified bed rest, my gardens have turned into scary, weedy, jungle-like patches. I can barely stand to look outside because it is just torture. So upon reaching and exceeding the 35 week mark (!), my Dr. told me bed rest was no longer something that I needed to worry about. On Saturday, I decided to "clean up" a few trouble spots in my garden. In doing so, I fell....through a chair....and on to my butt and back. While it was happening all I could think was that I had to protect the babies from my stupidity. As soon as I landed, I extracted myself from the chair and was up and moving into my house to call the Dr. I had no idea I could still move that fast! While waiting for the Dr to call me back, I laid down on my left side and drank a Coke to see if I could get the babies to move. They didn't. I was in a complete panic by the time the Dr. called me back (only like 5 minutes later). Apparently, when you fall and give the babies a sudden jolt, their instinct is NOT to move. Dr said it would take them a bit of time to get over the shock of the bouncing around and that as long as I didn't bump the belly or have any bleeding, things would be fine.
Still, I was terrified and so mad at myself for being so stupid. The babies did finally begin to move and seemed to be okay. As for my body though, that is a different story. Whatever separating my pelvis had left to do was accomplished during the fall. I literally cannot walk and I cannot roll over in bed. I cannot squat down far enough to use the toilet. I thought I knew the meaning of pelvic pain before. Both of my elbows are bruised and one leg has cuts, scrapes and bruises on it that leave no question as to whether I won the fight or the chair. I'm miserable and I only have myself to blame for it. I'm pissed that I put my babies in such danger. I've learned a lesson. Gardens be damned.
On a more positive note, only 2 weeks and 5 days until the girls get here!

Please don't tell me what I CANNOT DO!

2006-09-13T10:43:00.000-04:00

Assvice abounds around here. While I've been on modified bed rest, I've been able to hide out from other people and it has been super nice. But when I have to go out to the Dr. or make my weekly or so trip to my office, I have to be around other people and I get accosted. If I had a dime for every time some one has told me I look like I am going to pop, have my baby any minute, explode, topple over, etc. I could quit work and maybe never have to go back. Yesterday, I actually had a lady yell across the post office parking lot that it wouldn't be long until I wouldn't be able to fit behind the wheel of my car. Do I know this person....of course not. I mean the audacity! I just stared at her in disbelief and then seriously considered waiting until she came back out and running her rude ass over. Yeah....I'm hormonal....so what.
Then I decided to go to Target to get some Halloween costumes for the wee ones and to soothe my wounds with a little clearance shopping. While there, I found these awesome, silky t-shirts and a v, v cute suit (all non-maternity mind you). So what that I am still pregnant and sporting a huge, ole' belly. My legs are the same size and so are my butt and my arms and all my other parts. So I decided to try the said t-shirts and suit on. T-shirts appeared as if they would work out fine post-belly. So did the suit jacket. The pants though were tight in the thighs and butt so I decided to go up one size. No big deal since pre-pregnancy I would normally have to try on two different sizes of the same pair of pants to get the one that fit the best. Anywhoo....I came out of the dressing room and handed the offending pants to one of the collection of dressing room attendants who asked "didn't work for you?" I said "no" and proceeded to go look for a larger size. As I was SLOWLY making my way, I heard the bitty say, "well what does she expect...look at her...she's huge and these are not maternity". Oh how I wanted to bitch slap her! Instead, I found my size 8 pants and went back to the dressing room. Tried them on, they fit and looked great in spite of the fact that they "are not maternity". Upon exiting the fitting room I told the bitty, "these worked just fine and it's so nice to be thin enough to try on non-maternity clothes even when I am pregnant". No more snide comments from the bitty!
Today at work, my assistant was discussing with me how things are going with the babies and pregnancy related issues. The subject of breastfeeding came up and she flat out told me that with twins, it would be impossible to do. That comment irritated my last frayed nerve. I wanted to tell her to eff off since she is such an expert neither having EVER HAD TWINS nor knowing any one who has twins. But I only told her that I was sure I would be able to do it and I was not going to stress about it. Of course, that is a total lie since I am not sure that I will be able to do so and I am starting to stress about it. You just cannot imagine the number of women who have flat out told me that bf'ing twins will be impossible or that they couldn't bf one so they will be shocked if I can bf two. I'm getting zero support on this issue with the exception of my Dr. and B and a few blogs I read that are written by moms of multiples.
As a person who tries and can usually find the silver lining and who doesn't believe in the concept of "cannot", all of the negativity that gets tossed my way when I venture out is starting to break me down and I'm about fed up. So the next time you see a pregnant woman, just keep your assvice and personal opinions to yourself because you might be talking to me. At this point, I might just snap and it would be very detrimental to your health.

2006-09-04T09:51:00.000-04:00

I'm tired and huge and tired and sore and bitchy and tired. Only 5 1/2 weeks until the scheduled c-section and we are done with this part of parenthood. I will not miss being pregnant....except maybe at 3 a.m. when I am utterly exhausted and trying to feed a couple of hungry babies.
Speaking of babies, they are both growing like mad. Emma's approximate weight is 4.10 and Paige's approx. weight is 4.5. Both have gained over a pound in two weeks and we are very pleased about that. I go for my first NST on Tuesday. I've noticed that I will go for longish stretches of time without feeling any movement and that is a bit worrisome. I'm hoping that there is nothing to worry about and believe that it is just how my babies are. I've got my fingers and everything else crossed.
I've also started thinking about the financial aspect of having these two. We've got decisions upon decisions to make regarding our financial future. Which college plan, whose health insurance, daycare and work or stay at home. I'm a planner by nature and like to have everything organized and in its place. I'm also a minimalist. B is the same way except that he chooses to let me make the decisions and handle the finances so he is mostly out of the loop and clueless because he chooses to be. Thus, in some ways I am screwed when it comes to being a Mom. While I don't believe in giving your children everything they want, I certainly do not want to find us in a situation where I cannot provide adequately for my kids. I've started having nightmares about hiding my babies from wolves at the door. I know it is directly related to my stress about money and providing.
In some ways I'm ready for these girls to get here. In other ways, I don't know that I will ever be ready.

Bad, bad blogger!

2006-08-24T11:28:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe how long it has been since I've posted. Some of it is due to laziness, some to being super busy with work, some to being overwhelmed with all the things I have to do to get ready for these babies. I am 31 weeks today and only have 7 weeks to go max. Either this week or next, we will set up our c-section. I am ready to have this part of parenthood over with. I am ready to get my body back and actually be able to wear non-maternity clothing. It has gotten so bad that I coaxed my mom into going shopping with me and trying on a bunch of clothes so that I could get some ideas of outfits I plan to buy once I am no longer pregnant. I know...I'm pathetic.
The babies are doing well. Two weeks ago, both weighed in at 3.5 lbs. We'll find out today how much weight they have gained over the last two weeks. I am desperately hoping that they are both in the 4lb range. I haven't gained much weight myself and remain concerned because I want to make sure I am doing everything I can to give these babies a healthy start.
For the last couple of days, someone has had the hiccups at least once per day. It is so funny to feel. We're not sure how in the world you can get hiccups if you are not able to breathe air.
Our baby showers went well. I did laundry for about three weeks straight. I cannot believe how generous all of our friends and family have been with gifts and things. I don't think we will be buying any clothes for the first two years of life!

Still going strong

2006-07-28T09:44:00.000-04:00

Saw the girls yesterday and both are looking good. Emma is weighing in at 2.4 lbs and Paige is weighing in at 1.15lbs. We are watching Paige closely to make sure that she doesn't begin to slip in the weight gaining game. She is still in the 38% for a singleton which my Dr. says is acceptable. Emma has jumped up in her percentiles of course. Such an overachiever!
I had another week of virtually zero weight gain. I just don't understand it. I am drinking my supplements and eating 3 meals a day plus snacks. I don't deny myself any thing food wise. If I want it, I eat it and given that fact, I should be putting on the pounds. At least the girls are putting them on. We did the math and if they both continue to gain 1/2lb per week, by 36 weeks they should both weigh in the 6lb range.
The Dr. also saw hair on the top of their heads. She mentioned that is was not ordinary to see hair so clearly at 27 weeks. I told her that B had to have his hair cut constantly as a baby because he had so much and it grew so fast. I am totally excited that our babies will have his hair. I would never want to curse a child with my limp, thin, sorry hair.
I have my first baby shower tomorrow. I guess it seems a bit early but the girls could be here in 6 weeks or sooner and I wanted to have time to get everything finalized as much as possible. I would really like to just spend my last few weeks just hanging out, relaxing and waiting for the BIG DAY. I hate to be rushed. I am nervous about the shower. What if no one shows up? What if I get all emotional? What if I say something stupid? I start to worry about that stuff...until I remember that I will be having cake tomorrow and that makes it all less of a concern.

Update

2006-07-20T09:44:00.000-04:00

I had the fetal fibronectin test today. I was a bit worried that it would come back positive and I would spend the next two weeks on pins and needles. Thank goodness, it came back negative. The babies should not decide to show up in the next two weeks and that's a very good thing! I'll be getting that test every two weeks until something like 33 weeks or so. Not sure what happens after that though.
I now have to drink Boost supplements. For some reason at my appointment last week, I had only gained 1/2 pound. So my excellent Dr. seriously fussed at me and told me to start with the supplement. Good Lord those things are expensive. Holy crap! But they do the job. This week's weigh-in had me up by 5 lbs. So that makes 30 lbs for the whole pregnancy. I anticipate gaining at least 20 more.
This week I got my first glance at the foot/leg swelling that pg women complain about. My legs and feet are the same size from my knees to my toes. It is scary and painful. I have never seen anything so disturbing in my entire life as far as my body is concerned.
Speaking of bodily functions, the breasts do actually work. I won't go into details!
I've started to get ASSVICE from people who apparently think I'm an idiot. Just because I am planning to breastfeed and use cloth diapers does not mean that I have lost my mind or that I am stupid. Just because I plan on having my girls sleep in the same crib does not mean that I am too cheap to buy another crib. Just because I happen to appreciate and plan to use hand-me-downs as opposed to buying all new stuff does not mean that I am depriving my kids of any thing. The worst thing is that most of the criticism is coming from family members. I could better understand criticism from people who don't really know me. But for criticism to come from people who should be supportive and helpful is at times too much to stomach. Next time a family member suggests or flat out tells me that I am making a mistake, I'll be sure to let them know that they are welcome to come and take a baby home with them so that she can wear disposable diapers, drink formula, sleep in her own bed, have all new stuff, etc. Not only will that shut them up but perhaps they will decide not to come around with all their bright ideas.

Cervical Checkup

2006-06-29T15:01:00.000-04:00

Anyone that ever tells you miracles don't happen or that prayers don't get answered or that bed rest is subjective have never met me. At 20 wks, my cervix was 3cm and funneling at the top. Today at 23wks, my cervix is 6.5 cm and zero funneling. My new OB told me it looked incredible and that she was shocked to see it so long with no funneling after the way things looked a few weeks ago. I was over the moon to hear such good news and I feel blessed beyond all measure. I just don't deserve this good fortune and it is difficult to wrap my mind around. Both girls continue to grow weighing in at 1.4 lbs and 1.3 lbs. I got an added surprise today when the us tech decided to give me a 4D look at the girls. Emma had her hand over her head and face the entire time (sleeping just like her Mom does!) so we couldn't get a clear shot of her face but we did get a full, clear shot of Paige. She looks just like me!!!! It was surreal to see my baby-self laying there inside of my grown-self. She really does look just like I did in my baby pictures. They both have such long legs and fingers. They both have very long feet too. I hope they have dark, thick hair like B though.

We did make the hard call and switched OB's. Lord, that is a hard thing to do even when you know you have reason too and are doing the right thing for your babies. B and I love our old OB. He is a great guy and we have a lot of respect for him. Plus, he didn't want us to leave but could understand our need to have a Dr. at the Level III hospital in town. I will probably go back to him once I have the girls and need to do routine gyn. things. We switched though for two reasons:
1.) There is a high likelihood that Emma and Paige will come early and have to be transferred to the Level III and if I am transferred with them, then we will be stuck with a resident or some other Dr. that I don't know and am not comfortable with. I want to be with someone that knows my situation and has a relationship with me.
2.) My old OB is not as proactive when it comes to pre-term labor. My new Ob sat down with me and laid out a plan that we would put in place given certain scenarios. She told me how much farther she wants me to go (28wks minimum) to ensure the best possible outcome for the babies. She wants to see me once per week from here on out and is proactive when it comes to protecting the babies and me. She takes her job very seriously and has no problem using every tool at her disposal. She's my new hero!

Before I end my post, I just need to rant a bit about daycare. Overall, the whole process of finding one sucks. I'd rather have my teeth extracted without pain killers. We thought we had found the perfect person for us only to find out that she changed her mind about the ages of kids she planned on watching in the fall. She didn't call and tell us. In my opinion, this is just completely wrong. In hindsight, I guess she was not the perfect person for us afterall. Thank goodness I was calling her to solidify things before I told a lady from my church who offered to watch the girls that we already had someone. So now, we will be paying a bit more (I hyperventilate every time I think of the amount) but will have someone that we can count on and know and have seen the wonderful job she does with her own child and our friend's kid. Oh the joys of parenthood!

You can never leave it behind

2006-06-28T11:35:00.000-04:00

I got a call yesterday from an organization that I registered with 2+ years ago to receive donated embryos. At first I didn't remember exactly who the organization was and then it clicked. I went into a state of panic. It was just like I was right back in the IF game and not even pregnant at all. My palms started to sweat and I couldn't get the words out of my mouth right. I was excited that I had finally gotten “the call”. The nice lady on the phone offered to call me back at home when I'd had a bit of time to think things over. I told her that really I was okay and I could talk to her. For a split second, I wanted to tell her "YES...we want those embryos". How crazy is that! It was like I had lost my mind. Of course, I didn't tell her that we wanted them. I told her instead that I was pregnant. She told me that happened a lot to the people waiting on the list. We chatted a minute or two longer and then ended the call. As soon as I hung up, I started to panic again. What had I done? What if her call was a sign that I would need those embryos because something would happen to the girls? What if I had just passed up a valid chance to be a Mom? TOTALLY IRRATIONAL THINKING. I was surprised by my reaction and a bit ashamed of my greed to have a child.
It just seems that even now I cannot get my mind around the fact that I am pregnant and that if things continue to go well, I have a shot at being a Mom. I don't have to keep covering my bases and coming up with a backup plan if this one doesn't work out the way I want it to. IF screws with your head and your heart and it brings out all the ugliness inside of you. I just don't think that it ever leaves you. Ever.

I have a new trick

2006-06-21T09:34:00.000-04:00

Now that the babies can hear sounds from the outside, anytime that I'm having DBT's because I haven't felt any movement, all I have to do is put the headphones on my belly and crank up the classical music. I don't know if they love it or hate it but they certainly get to moving once it's turned on.

We went and got the crib last night. It is used. But in my opinion, it is just beautiful. I've looked at a lot of used and new cribs and this is by far the nicest used one I've seen and it is significantly nicer than some of the new ones I've seen. B, the sometimes-jerk, did not like it. This is pretty common with B. If he did not pick it out, he does not like it. I married a snob....one who does not make enough $$$ to support his taste. I blame this on his horrible father who abandoned B and his mom and sister for a string of women and fun only to throw wads of $$$ back to them to keep things quiet. Up until I met B, he could have anything (and I mean anything) he wanted and not have to pay for it. "FAATHAAA" would give them anything that they wanted except for time and love. You get use to that and it's a hard lifestyle to leave. I married into it knowing what I was getting into and I put a stop to it soon after we said those marriage vows. B agrees that he is much happier and feels free from his father and more self-sufficient. But he still cannot get over not buying the most expensive and elaborate. That goes for cars, houses, clothes, baby goods, etc. So on occasion we struggle with that. I refuse to let him get us into financial trouble so we live well below our means. For me it is no big deal, for him it is often torture!

I'll try to post a picture of the nursery at some point. We have gotten a lot of it ready. Just a few more projects to finish up and we are good to go. Hopefully we won't be using it for at least another 14 weeks.

Things they never tell you

2006-06-20T13:52:00.000-04:00

Someone needs to write (another) book on pregnancy. This one needs to include all the really bizarre and sometimes scary things that can, do and probably will happen to you while you are pregnant.
Let me just give you some examples.
1.) Your girl bits will get bigger...all of them! Two days ago I wiped "down there" and it felt like somehow my somewhat dainty bits had taken a shot of steroids. I mean everything felt HUGE. I grabbed a mirror and took a peek. Not because I wanted to see my bits necessarily but because I was convinced that the only reason for the increased size was because something was trying to come out and I was afraid it was a wee child. Nope. Just some super-sized parts down there. I was scared thinking that I would need a labia reduction in the distant future so I called a friend who proceeded to inform me through snorts of laughter that it was normal and okay for things to get bigger down there. I was so relieved until she told me that I could get varicose veins on my labia. Who would’ve thunkit?
2.) It doesn't matter if you are out of the first trimester or not, morning sickness can and will strike whenever it darn well pleases. This is evidenced by my losing breakfast at least once per week never mind the fact that I am now almost 22 weeks along. This is not the time to be losing meals. I really need to keep them down and feed those v, v hungry babies. Also, I can say I have conclusive proof that your mouth can only stretch so big and no matter how hard you try to keep it closed, once it gets full, whatever is in there is going to come out.
3.) Just because you are pregnant does not mean that you will get the "glow". I have the pallor and not the glow. My hair is thin and limp. I have acne worse than any of the teens that I work with. It's like PMS pimple times 1,000. I've never had acne and now I know why people spend hundreds of dollars to make the crap go away. It is foul in so many ways.
4.) If you go a day without having a BM, you might think you are going into pre-term labor when your body decides to resume its normal bodily functions. Just take my word on this one. Don't make me have to explain in detail.
5.) You might wake up one morning with your babies lying on one side of your belly while the other side looks totally deflated. Don't panic and look around in the bed to see where the other baby has gone too. If it were in the bed and no longer in your belly, you would certainly know about it.
6.) If you have your head on my belly (dearest B) and we hear something that sounds like a fart, it is most likely NOT a baby making that sound. I don't think babies fart while in there and even if they did we would not hear it out here. It was probably the person blaming it on the babies.
7.) There is no magic week of gestation that will give you any total sense of relief. Once you reach week 12 there will be new and equally scary things to worry about. That goes for weeks 13-39. You never stop worrying. If it is bad, it can happen and has happened to someone out there at some point. Even though the stats on it happening to you are so small you cannot even calculate them, you will worry and obsess about it anyway.
8.) The idea that you hit the "IVF Lottery" if you are pregnant with twins or more is total horse shit. If I hear one more person equating multiple pregnancy with lottery winnings I am going to end up in prison for a very long time. In addition, if I hear one more person say that they wished they would get pregnant with twins, I am going to tie her to the couch and force her to lie on her left side for the next 4 months. We'll see just how badly she wants that twin pregnancy!

I'm sure as things progress, I will have many more things to add to this list of things that no one tells you about pregnancy. If you have some to add, please feel free. I promise not to use them if I ever get that book written. If this post pisses anyone off, I'm just too cranky to apologize.

Miracle

2006-06-14T12:22:00.000-04:00

Cervix is completely closed with zero funneling and 4+cm long. The Dr. had no explaination as to why things looked to different...so much better today. He did give me some advice like no sex (wanted to ask him what that was!) and to continue to take it easy. They did not see any evidence of PTL and my cervix did not seem to be dynamic. So far I am not on bed rest other than self-imposed and do not need to be in the hospital for any more monitoring or to have a cerclage. I told the Dr. I had been feeling like total crap and we discussed all the rotten physical feelings I had been having. He said they were all normal and even to be expected with the weight of Emma and Paige combined with my tiny frame. He reminded me of what I needed to look for or pay attention to in terms of PTL and I'll just get my cervix measured on a very regular basis. I'm going to ask my OB if I can come once per week for a cervix check only. Surely that is not asking too much! I just don't feel comfortable only having it checked once every two weeks. I'm still going to spend a good deal of time laying down and working from home. I think this "bed rest" thing had some bearing on todays results. I just don't want to take any chances.
One of the most amazing things about today is that both girls have gained 2 oz. each in the last 5 days. That really excited me. They are so close to weighing one pound each and that just makes me so very happy. Of course I got to see them and they got remeasured at this new clinic. I never get tired of seeing them move around or seeing their cute faces. Emma was moving around like crazy just like always and Paige was just hanging out nice and calm as usual. I'll be interested to see if they are the same way once they are born.
For those of you that said a prayer for us over the last few days, I want to say thanks and to let you know that in my heart I know it made all the difference today. Thank you for asking for what I cannot bring myself to ask for and for believing when I'm too scared to believe.
If nothing else, I know I am blessed.

One day down 80 or so to go

2006-06-13T20:11:00.000-04:00

I made it through another day. Or at least almost made it. I guess today is not quite done yet but I feel progress has been made. A friend from church (SAM) come over with her baby to visit me. It was great! I was so excited to see and interact with a live, in-person human being. Her child was so well behaved while he was here. He didn't touch a single thing in my living room and was even reluctant to play with the baby toys I offered to him. He ended up playing with his mom's watch and was completely satisfied with that. I was amazed.
Friend brought over the most adorable clothes and blankets for us to borrow. Most of them are boy-oriented but I could give a crap less as to what color they are. To me they are fantastic. Even more since she was kind enough to get them together for me and had been working on getting them all organized so that she could get them to me. She also brought over the entire Sex and the City disc collection. I am in HEAVEN! I'll actually have something to watch on TV in the evenings.
So, I told my boss yesterday about how things were looking and that it would be a good bet that I will not be back for a long while. I told him how I would like to work from home and felt that I could do the same job here as there. He didn't even bat an eye. In fact, he didn't really say much of anything and just started sending me stuff about this dumb administrative hoop that we all had to jump through and turn in for the powers that be this morning. It took me a good part of the day to get done and today, I continued to work on ongoing projects just like I would if I were in the office. If this becomes long term, I'm not sure how it is going to work out or if I make some huge error that might be the end for me. As long as things progress smoothly, I think it is going to work out okay though.
I'm still having horrible dreams about losing the babies and about horrible things happening to my body that I have no control to stop. Obviously, I'm still trying to work this all out and the horrible thoughts and fears that I keep at bay all day long assault me at night while I am sleeping.
I've decided no more watching "baby shows" for me until this whole thing is settled. All you see are the scary, gut-wrenching stories or else you see the perfect 1-week overdue stories where women wear makeup and smile throughout their entire delivery. No, I just cannot bear to watch any more.
So tomorrow is the big day. I will find out what is going on with my cervix and were we go from here. Absolutely going to switch OB's to someone that is proactive instead of reactive. That just is not what I want on my team. I'm scared like I've never been scared before. The 2ww, beta day, negative pg tests, all those things that didn't turn out before just cannot even compare to the fright and panic and worry and dread and heartstopping fear that is knowing all that stands between your perfectly healthy babies and death is 3mm worth of muscle.

One day at a time

2006-06-12T09:11:00.000-04:00

We survived the weekend. Babies (Emma and Paige) are still where they are supposed to be. I behaved myself pretty well. No getting up and doing work. With the exception of church for an hour and a quick trip to the baby store to buy our crib that someone else bought before we could get there, I spent the whole time on the couch. Don't know how I am going to make it through 10 to 12 or more weeks of this if bedrest is what the Dr. orders. I thought on Saturday that I would go crazy. It was so nice outside and B was out there working all day long. I sat here by myself hating life. But I made it through. B and I decided that I probably shouldn't go to work until after I see the Dr. on Wednesday. We both felt uneasy about it so here I am attempting to work from home. I've got a huge book on Legislative Policy to read so I cannot wait to crack that baby open!!
B and I have decided to proceed with life as if we are going to bring home two babies when this is all said and done. My Mom is going to come and paint the nursery this week and help out with cleaning and grocery shopping. B went to Baby Depot yesterday and bought an enormous amount of pink stuff for his "girls". It was so sweet and he was really excited to pick some stuff out for them. I didn't tell him, but I saved the receipt just in case. My one chore for this week is to call the potential babysitter we found and get the contract from her as well as all the details so that we can get a reserved spot for Jan. 2007.
I'm also trying to get up the courage to ask my boss if I can work from home if bedrest is ordered. I'm not sure if he will let me. I know I could get twice as much done from home. There are some things that I could not do but for the most part, I am good to go. I've also got a huge research project that I am working on in the hopes of getting published. This time at home would give me the perfect opportunity to work on that project and get it finished. I guess all I can do is ask. I don't have short-term disability and would have to begin using my sick leave and vacation which would leave me no time at home with the babies. Regardless, I am not going to stress. I know my boss does not want to lose me and I also know that I could get another job very easily later on when I am ready to go back to work.
So if any of you have any advice on how to stay sane and cope with this mess, let me know. At this point, I'm a beggar and not a chooser.

The Good and The Bad

2006-06-10T09:44:00.000-04:00

I would love to have a normal, quiet life with no DRAMA and no excitement. How lovely that would be. I envy people who just go through life and nothing negative touches them. I wonder how it must feel to consistently be on the sunnyside of things?
We went for our Level II us yesterday and got to see our babies. They've got all their parts and they are growing. One weighs in at 11oz and the other at12 oz. They were moving and wiggling all around. We were waiting for the bomb to drop on us and it didn't....at first.
As we were finishing up, I asked the us tech to check my cervix since I had been experiencing pressure and cramping both in my lower abs and my back. In fact, I haven't felt "right" since last Saturday when I developed a sore throat out of nowhere and have felt like I might be getting a cold. All week I kept checking myself for a fever and one never developed. Anyway, back to the story. The tech was a bit reluctant but knows my history and knows what hell we have been through over the years to get to this point so she took the extra two minutes to do a transvaginal us and see how things looked. That's when the bomb dropped. My formally well-behaved cervix has begun to rebel. I've got funneling and it's not pretty. The length is still acceptable at over 3.0mm but the funneling is not a good sign. I've been put on bed rest this weekend (damn) and have an appointment with a peri on Wednesday to see if the funneling is worse or if the cervical length has shortened. The whole thing scared the shit out of my Dr. I could see it all over his face. He didn't know what to really do other than to send me to this other guy. That concerned me even more....I'm seeing a Dr. that has no contingency plan if things are not perfectly normal. Trust me when I say that seeing panic on your Dr.'s face is not something that you want to see.
To say that I am terrified is an understatement. There are no words to describe how I am feeling. I can feel myself beginning to shut down emotionally and shut this whole thing out. I can feel my heart beginning to close up in case I lose these babies. I don't want to think about them. I want to put all the baby stuff we've gotten out on the street for someone else to come and get. I cannot bring myself to look at the us pictures we got yesterday. If I convince myself that they don't exist, then it might not hurt as bad if we lose them. It's hard to convince yourself that things might turn out alright when you already feel like you've cheated fate just to get to this point. It's hard to imagine that they are going to stay inside one more minute when it feels like everything inside of you is falling out through your vagina. I just don't think I can do this.
Oh, by the way, we are having two girls.

FINE

2006-05-24T19:33:00.000-04:00

Babies are FINE. I talked to my OB and got a look at the kiddos and all is well. Cvx is long and closed, kids are growing (17w4d & 17w5d) and looking cute as ever. I am recovering from my freak out and finally gaining weight (8lbs over course of whole pregnancy). The last time I posted, I had been having cramps and other various, scary pains that did not seem to have any effect on anything but my fragile sanity. My OB could not tell me exactly why I was experiencing pain but an UTI was suspected. I had some blood in my urine but nothing showed up in my cultures. Nonetheless, I got to take antibiotics for seven days so hopefully if something was thinking about cropping up, it changed its mind when it met the lovely Macrosomethingorother surging through my veins. My good friend brought me some Super-FINE maternity clothes. They are so beautiful. Nothing like I would ever allow myself to buy and I feel so blessed that she had no problem letting me borrow them. I just hope that I don't ruin any of them. I am pretty clumsy and messy. But yeah, beautiful clothes do it for me. It is not FINE to refuse to give me a "sibling discount" for daycare just because I will have two infants in the same class. It is also not FINE to charge me the same amount for 3 days of care that you would for 5 days of care just because it will "hurt your bottom line" and you doubt that you can find someone to agree to bring their baby just two days per week. I know, I'm being selfish and if I'm going to get so irritated maybe I should just stay at home. Problem with that is that I like living in a house and I like to eat at least a couple of times per day. Both require money, thus the need to work. I guess I could move to France and become a citizen since they are apparently looking for women who want to stay at home, have babies and get paid while doing it. Time to pull out those French books from high school!

And here's the part where I start to freak out!

2006-05-16T11:58:00.000-04:00

Over the last few days, I haven't felt so good. Okay....I’ve felt completely horrible. It started on Saturday afternoon with period-like cramps that settled into both my lower abdomen and my lower back. The pain never really let up until I lay down on the couch and even then, it took a while. Later on that night, B said I kept crying out and moaning after I went to sleep. I don't remember being in pain but I do remember feeling like I couldn't get comfortable. On Sunday, things seemed much better and I thought I was back to my old self. Then yesterday, the pain started back up again with the same intensity and in the same places as Saturday. Today, I'm still experiencing the same pain. I can say that having a BM helps a bit but not to the point where I would call that the problem. I called the Dr.'s office and they are supposed to call me back and so far I have heard nothing. Apparently, if I am not bleeding (which I am not), they feel no rush to come to your aid. Plus, I know that at 16/17 weeks there is not much they can do if things are going south. It's just too early. I am really trying not to freak out and keep reminding myself that the best thing I can do is to remain calm and try to take it easy. For me, that's usually easier said than done.
On a more disturbing note, Brittney Spears was seen tooling around Malibu in her convertible Mini Cooper with little S.P. facing the wrong direction in his car seat. This girl is so completely inept at caring for a child. She's like my Aunt Linda who never a had problem popping the kids out but she sure had no clue what to do with one once she had it. Honestly, how can anyone be so flippin' stupid?

HR and Health Insurance

2006-05-15T08:33:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I had mixed feelings about it. Should I be happy to be a "mother-to-be"? Should I understand if people didn't really see me as anyone's mother yet? Am I jumping the gun to even feel that I am a mom even though my babies are not out in the world yet? Most of my apprehension revolved around church. One never knows from year to year what sort of recognition mothers will get from the church I go to. It is a most uncomfortable time for some of us and I've been known to skip one or two services. Thank goodness, this Mother's Day just consisted of the minister saying "thanks" to those women who have mothered others in some way. Maybe he is starting to get it. There are so many people in our church who have either lost a child or cannot have children. I don't think most folks even notice who these people are but I do and we are a congregation full of people just wishing and waiting.
I've started to feel at least one of the babies more often. I don't feel him/her every day but just on occasion. It is a weird feeling and a bit unsettling at first. There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason as to when I feel the movement. Time of day doesn't matter. Food or lack of doesn't matter. It just seems to come out of nowhere.
Let's take a minute here to BITCH about HR & health insurance companies shall we? Let me first say that for the most part, I do really like the way my health insurance company has gone to bat for me on many occasions when I was being stiffed by the greedy IVF clinic who wanted to have me pay over and above the contract amount that they agreed to with my ins. co. They really did save my ass in that battle. But, I cannot describe to you the rage that I have worked myself into over the fact that I am "required" to notify my HUSBAND'S HR department (who will not talk to me because I am not the employee) that I am pregnant so that I can enroll in some dumbass M.O.M.S. program that gives me Dr. Luke's shitty book as well as (woohoo) 24/7 access to a phone nurse. This irritates me. But what gets me even more is that a.) you have to sign up for this in the 1st trimester, b.) no one told us about this “requirement”, c.) my husband has to call in for me (he is refusing to do so at this point), and the #1 kicker is that if you don't register, then your health coverage for all things maternity is not at 100%. Since we didn't register in the 1st trimester, we are not getting coverage at the 100% level and there is nothing the insurance company can do about it. It is a total screw job!! I am incensed that HR can effectively reduce my level of health coverage based on the fact that I didn't sign up fast enough with people that will not talk to me for a program that I didn't know anything about. I mean, what the HELL. You know what, pregnancy is stressful enough. People don't need this extra bullshit to fuck with their heads a little bit more.
And that was just the beginning of my day!

We're back

2006-05-02T09:38:00.000-04:00

We made it back from Hawaii all in one piece. Not that we really wanted to come back! The trip was a wonderful experience and I'm glad that we were able to have the opportunity. I'm guessing vacations like this one will come to a grinding halt once we have kids. I honestly cannot imagine taking a child on a 12 hour flight. There were people who were doing it but I personally thought they needed to have their heads checked.
Of course, Hawaii was beautiful and we were able to go to four of the islands. Each one is different from the others so it was nice to get to expereince some of them individually. I was able to keep the all-day sickness at bay up until the very end of the trip. The day we left was pure hell in terms of how I felt and things have not gotten better since. I now have all-day sickness complete with aversion to all food and drink as well as vomiting at my body's slightest whim. I honestly don't know how my babies are surviving. I haven't put on a single pound in the last 8 or so weeks. So much for gaining that 1 to 1 1/2 lbs per week! Even though I haven't gained any weight, I am completely in maternity clothes. I'm certainly sportin' a big ole belly and I'm glad to have it!
We did see the babies last week and they look healthy. In fact, I think they look absolutely beautiful! Just like me!! One baby was hitting itself in the head with it's fists. I told B that was his baby. The other one was trying to stuff it's whole hand into it's mouth and upon failure decided that sucking on it's thumb would suffice. I told B that was his baby too! I think my babies might have some "issues" already. We did hear the heartbeats too. One seemed to be slower than the other so we are still hoping for a boy and a girl but will be just super pleased with whatever we get.

Paradise!

2006-03-30T09:57:00.000-05:00

B and I are going out of town. In fact, completely off the continent. We are going to Hawaii for 2+ weeks. I'm really super excited!! We need this vacation. We need this break from our rollercoaster lives here. I hope we get it.
I've struggled to find clothes to take with me. It is still cold where I live so I haven't dug out the summer clothes from last year. Actually, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't fit anyway. I'm in this weird in-between phase where regular clothes do not fit and maternity clothes look like I am just rubbing it in (or partially insane). I've got a dilemma here.
Plus, I'm afraid. I have an ultrasound tomorrow and I'm terrified that the babies are .......well, I just can't say it. But I'm terrified that we will get bad news and then I won't have any clothes to wear because you cannot wear maternity clothes if you are no longer pregnant and our vacation will be ruined and I will be living an absolute nightmare.
Okay, I am truly insane. I know it.

Still around

2006-03-23T15:31:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since I have posted. I've been v, v tired. I think I could sleep about 20 of the 24 hours in a day. There's not much going on here. Symptoms come and go. I worry and then worry some more. DBT's are always right around the corner and I cry at the drop of a hat. Certainly not my personal best these days. But I will sure take it and more if it means I'll have my babies!
I think everyone in my entire little world knows I am pregnant. I have the most gossipy friends and relatives of any one. I know they mean well...they are overjoyed for us but I do find myself cautioning everyone who asks that we don't know how this will all turn out. For B and I, this pregnancy...these babies...more often than not are like the elephant in the room.
One of my co-worker's brought me an huge container full of maternity clothes. His wife had their daughter last summer and so her clothes should fit me for a while. They are such nice clothes and exactly they kind of thing that I would pick out to wear myself. I just think that is the most generous thing anyone has ever done for me. It was like Christmas looking through all of those clothes. I even tried some on and prayed I was not jinxing myself. It's scary that at 9 weeks, some of the clothes fit!
I also had my first pg announcement drive-by since finding out that I am pg. B came home and off-handedly told me that a colleague's wife is pg with their second child. As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I was angry and could feel that nasty infertile jealousy exploding in me. I said, "well that's just great" and I was not saying it in a nice way. B looked at me with this perplexed looked and asked me why I was so upset. For a moment, I was again that woman who had nothing but loss and sadness for all the years of longing. I was angry that this other woman was going to have something that I didn't. I totally forgot that I too was at that very moment pregnant. It was just so weird and so disturbing. It showed me just how much I have distanced myself from my current condition and that deep inside of me I still have not accepted the fact that this might work and we might be okay.

Irritation

2006-03-14T13:42:00.000-05:00

Overall, I am a very healthy person. I cannot tell you the last time that I had a cold and know I have not had the flu since 1997. B is the same way. We are so un-sick that we have zero medicine in our "medicine" drawer.
We both work with people/in offices where we have chronically sick co-workers. We both also work with the public in areas that are notorious for having sickness/illness. Yet, we go along happy as can be without catching a thing.
Until now.....
I am suffering from a hideous cold that has left me unable to breathe and afraid that I am going to send a baby flying out with my next cough. I had a fever with chills and aches. There were times when I had no will to live only to have B revive me with chicken noodle soup. What would I do without B. Anyway....so all this leads to what I am so irritated about.
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY ASSHOLES COME TO WORK SICK!!!!!!! I mean really how much can you get done when you are a heap of hacking and feverishness? None is how much! For the last couple of months, I've been asking my co-workers and others to stay the *#@& away from me if they are sick. Because I work at a rumor mill, everyone knows what I’ve been up to the last few months and knows I have a good reason for not wanting to contract their crud. Over the last two weeks though, my two secretaries have been sick, four of my co-workers have been sick and my boss has been sick. They have ALL insisted on coming to work WITH FEVERS. Since when did staying home when you are contagious become the irresponsible thing to do? I tried shutting myself in my office and staying away from others but we all share the same kitchen, bathroom and copier. I know some of my fellow office mates are unhygienic at best so it was bound to happen.
On Thursday, when I first started getting the fever, I began to get a little mad and by the end of the day I was raging pissed. That just happened to correspond with a phone call from my boss. I'm sure that he wished he hadn't called. In short, I told him that even though he "wasn't mad that I would have to miss work", I was pissed off and felt I had every right to be. I told him is was ridiculous that people in our office (including him) continued to come to work sick and that he and everyone in our office knows I cannot get sick right now. I also told him I would not be back until I was 100% and that if others irresponsibility resulted in my losing my children due to some crapass flu that I was not sure what I would do at that point. He had nothing to say. I think I scared him. I would have hoped that he would send an email around reminding people to please stay home if they are ill but of course, he didn't. I'm not sure why I expected him to be responsible like that since he feels you should come to work with one leg in the grave. I've decided the only thing left to do is call HR and talk to them about it. Surely there is some rule out there that protects me from their idiocy.

***Update - there is no real "rule" to protect me or the kiddos from idiots. HR's response was "we expect people to act like adults and stay at home when they are ill". That sure doesn't help me one bit.

Getting by.

2006-03-08T09:34:00.000-05:00

This on and off symptom thing is starting to get the better of me as are the cramps that appear out of nowhere. I'm thinking of buying my own ultrasound machine. I wonder how much those things cost. I'm thinking it would be worth it. Yesterday, I had a stellar day. No sickness, no cramps, nothing. I felt so good I was able to vacuum and mop our disgusting floors and cook and eat dinner. It was great. And then, about 9:00 p.m., I started to worry about how good I had been feeling. Today is totally different. I feel like crap. I'm having these nasty cramps that radiate into my back and down into my legs. WARNING TMI---it also feels like my vagina and cervics are sore. I know that sounds weird but I really do hurt inside. I'm hoping it is just from the stupid suppositories and not my body saying "thanks for hanging out guys but it's time to go!" Anybody else have these weird vaginal feelings or cramps down into their legs?
I did get a call from the OB about my RH issue and the Parvo. The RH issue checks out okay. No need for another shot! It also looks like at some time in my life I was exposed to Parvo so I have immunity to it.....very high immunity and so they are somewhat concerned. They've never seen anyone with such high immunity to Parvo. I like to think it is just a "God-thing" and his way of protecting me and the kiddos from getting a very nasty virus. I know that sounds crazy but that is just me.
I got a surprise call from my RE last night to tell me congrats and to see how I am holding up. He is such a fantastic guy and very, very humble. I will miss having him and my nurse looking after my every need. What's a girl to do without her RE? I did tell him that we would be seeing him in the future. Later on, B asked why I would need to see him again and I reminded him about the frozen embryos. He was surprised that I would even think about/consider additional children if these two make it. I reminded him gently that there was no way in hell that I would not use those embryos....after all we've been through. NO WAY. I think I scared him. I know I did. I've always wanted a big family. I've always thought that 5 would be my max. Of course, I never planned on IF and I never thought about how expensive children would/could be.
I know I'm getting ahead of myself on the whole frozen embryo thing and I don't want to start thinking that this pregnancy turning out well is a given but I guess it is something we have to consider.

Newest of the news

2006-03-03T19:10:00.000-05:00

I first want to thank everyone who sent me such reassuring and supportive comments on my last post. I read your comments over and over and it made me so happy to hear just how much you care about me.....and you don't even know me.
So, it is with pure pleasure that I share the most amazing news of my entire life with you all!
1. I had no more spotting yesterday or today (caused by progesterone suppositories)
2. I had my ultrasound today (my Mom was with me because B was traveling and could not get back in time)
3. We saw TWO sacks
4. We saw TWO fetal poles
5. We saw TWO heart beats
!!!!!!!!
The u/s tech remembered me from this same time last year when she did my u/s to see what was happening with my last IVF pregnancy. I remember that she looked and looked to see if she could see anything that looked positive and to see if she could see my ectopic. She had the Dr. come in and look. She searched for what seemed like an hour. I remember thinking that she was more worried and devastated than I was. She was distraught that she could not see what she was looking for. I know the episode made an impact on her for her to remember precisely what transpired last year. I was touched and I told her so.
Of course, I was nervous before they did the u/s today and I began to cry before we even got started. My Mom sat right by my head and held my hand and wiped my tears. I was so glad to have her there with me. When the tech told me that she saw something and that it was good, I really began to sob. By then my Mom was sobbing too. It was one big cry fest. B called about a million times and made it home just in time to miss the whole ordeal. I kept telling him I would tell him what happened when I got home. He pressed me to tell him if it was good news and if we were going to have "puppies". I told him that "Yes" we were indeed having puppies! I did make him wait until I got home to tell him that we had two babies with heartbeats.
Of course, I cannot go a day in this process without having some drama so on Monday, I have to call the OB to see if I need a Rhogam( don't think I spelled this right) shot or not and to see if I have contracted Parvo virus. So we will see.

I've got one word for ya...

2006-03-02T08:42:00.000-05:00

brown.
Not a color I like but it certainly showed up on my undies this morning. I'm near devastation and my heart is breaking.
I should have known this was coming.

UPDATE:
I got an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I am absolutely terrified. I really feel like something is wrong. I doesn't help that every pg symptom that I've been having has seemingly vanished today. Plus, I've been exposed to parvovirus and have been feeling like I am getting the flu for the last couple of days. Parvo is not something that you want to have in early pregnancy. When I called B to let him know about the spotting, it didn't even really faze him. It's almost like he's been expecting something bad to happen. His response was such a wake up call me for. It is true that infertility can kill every ounce of feeling that you have in your soul to the point of total numbness. I just cannot do this anymore.

Surprise

2006-03-01T14:44:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning feeling a little different. I first noticed that my belly was a little flatter followed by noticing that my boobs were not so fluffy nor quite as sore. I began to panic! Of course, I asked Dr. Google what might be going on with my body and I was surprised to learn that symptoms come and go. Who would have guessed? I thought once you had them they were pretty much with you for a while. Looks like I was wrong. Gladly so!
So I went on to work. Things were going great. Made it through my first group session with no problems. Then about 10:00 a.m., I got hit with my first real wave of nausea. WOW! Not at all what I expected. I'm one of those folks who can think my way out of throwing up or of feeling the need to. This though was on a whole other level. I didn't actually throw up but for about 30 seconds, I knew that if my body wanted to do it, there would be no stopping. I now know who is in charge and it is not my head. I've felt sickish all day. I've never been so happy to feel so yucky!
B and I both decided to go to sleep at 8:30 last night. I know what my problem is but I'm a little worried about B. This is a man who normally cannot go to sleep before midnight. Except for the trips to the loo, neither of us so much as moved the entire night. Even after all that sleep, I know I'll be heading for bed by 8:30 again tonight. I can just feel it.
I reached the 6 week mark today. For most people, that is pretty insignificant but for me it is an accomplishment. I have never reached the 6 week mark with what seems to be a successful pregnancy. Every day is an accomplishment and a gift. I feel blessed beyond all measure to have made it just this far.

The end of the bloodletting

2006-02-27T13:57:00.000-05:00

Today I had my last beta. Was I ever glad to get that over with. Today's result was 14,065 and P4 was 348. The doubling time is down to 56 hours from 46 hours but the nurse said it was nothing to worry about and that the doubling time will slow down as the numbers get higher. The last couple of days I have felt really good. No cramps to speak of, no OHSS anymore (but I am still spilling out of my pants), no throwing up. So of course I was worried because I felt "too good". Today is the opposite. My back is hurting, occasional cramps, feeling like I am on a perpetual roller coaster with the dizziness, bloating. And I still worry that something is wrong. I'm starting to get the idea that this worry thing takes a while to go away if ever.
Today B admitted to me that he was worried too and just wanted to make it to this final beta before he felt like he could loosen up on some of the doubts that we might have a child. For him, it is just now sinking in that this might be really happening...to us. After 10 years of marriage and 5 1/2 years of infertility treatments, we are having a hard time accepting that our prayers have been answered to this point. We are still scared shitless but we are beginning to smile every once in a while. At each phone call from our nurse, it is like being told that I am pregnant all over again. The newness is not close to wearing off.
B asked me today why I thought it took so long and why we have had to go through countless pain and heartache to get to this point. I told him I didn't know. I just know that I am a different person because of it. I see things in a different light. I have more patience. I'm truly grateful for what I have from the smallest thing to the biggest. I take nothing at face value and know there is a price to pay. My relationship with God is more real and less "religious-based". He knows how I feel and I don't hold back. Neither does He! I'm also bitter and more in control of my emotions which I don't see as healthy for me. I have my doubts and I can back them up! I'm scared of the "what-ifs" because I know they happen to someone. I don't make plans since nothing is certain in life except death.
So I can't answer his question in a way that will make any sense of what we have been through. I just know how I have evolved personally...good and bad.

Sigh of relief!

2006-02-23T12:24:00.000-05:00

I got rid of the mullet!! Most of my hair is gone and it looks kind of funky (like my artsy students except w/o the strange colors) but I think it is going to look cool as it grows out. I'll miss the long hair but it can always grow back.
I'm feeling a little better emotionally today than yesterday. One thing I know for sure is that I need to stop obsessing and stop reading the internet so much. There are a lot of scary things to read on those pregnancy boards and I'm already scared enough. I don't need any help in that department.
Of course, the one thing that I would like some info on (constipation, progesterone and rectal bleeding) turns up either nothing or bizarre websites that I am certainly not going to visit! While I am not in pain from the need to go and the inability to go, things have really slowed down and during the last two BM's I've had blood in the loo. I take fiber tabs and I eat lots of fruits and grains. Nothing is helping much now. I think I might need to add a stool softener. Anyone have any suggestions?
For the final news of the day, I got my second beta back. 4364. It's right on track for where it should be and my IVF nurse said everything looks "excellent". I'll go back on Monday for my final beta and if all is well with that, I'll have my first u/s on the 7th or 8th. I'll be a basket case by then.
Thanks for all your supportive comments throughout this process. I cannot express how much it means to have people who know exactly what you are going through to back you up.

I hate my hair!

2006-02-22T19:47:00.000-05:00

Why is it that when you tell a hairdresser exactly what you want them to do, they do the exact opposite? All I wanted was for my hair to lose about six inches and still be mostly all one length except for a few longish layers. That is not what I got. What I have now is a horrible 70's hairstyle that didn't look good then and sure as hell doesn't look good now. This is actually the second time that I've gotten this hellish hairstyle and I didn't want it either time. Hairdresser cut off about 10 inches, layered what I have left and managed to give me a mullet too. I'm taking care of the mullet shit tonight! I guess I'll have to suffer through the layers for a few weeks until they grow out and I can get them more in line with what is left of my hair.
B is going to shit his pants. He wanted me to get my hair cut because he likes it better short. He sent me to his hairdresser (his hair always looks great) as a treat. The reason he is going to die is because he hates this "style" of cut and the last time I let someone do this to my hair he told me I should NEVER let it happen again.
Other than the crap hair, all else is well. I don't really feel pregnant and am still not convinced that I am. How crazy does that sound. I have encountered a couple of bouts of nausea but I'm not so sure they are not from the progesterone. I stopped taking PIO and have switched to the suppositories. I hate them. Give me PIO any day. My vagina hates them too and has decided in protest by swelingl up so that I cannot get the darn suppositories in. Maybe my clinic will switch me back to the injections. My boobs hurt.......a lot. They are growing by leaps and bounds. I am not complaining about that one bit since I have been on the v,v small side my whole life.
Still not getting back into my regular pants. I've lost an inch of swelling but it's still not enough to make much difference in the wardrobe area.
Tomorrow I go in for my second beta. I'm scared more about this than I was about the first beta. I'm concerned that I'm feeling too good to be pregnant or that Monday's beta was a fluke or maybe they confused mine with someone else or it's already over and I don't know it yet. I'm being totally irrational I know! Last time, I knew from the outset that we were looking at fighting a losing battle and so I expected bad news. This time, I've gotten the best news possible and I'm terrified that I'm going to be caught off guard by bad news and my heart will be crushed. If you read my blog and know what I'm going through, please let me know how you handled this part of the process. I feel really lost right now and am in unfamiliar territory. HELP!!

Holding pattern

2006-02-21T14:40:00.000-05:00

That's what B and I have decided until we see that second and third beta and will be holding our breath until we see those heartbeats. I thought I would feel different than I do. I'm certainly less worried than last time since my beta is better and I'm certainly happier than I am after a failed cycle but gosh am I ever scared. Is there ever an end to this worry and wait? I'm guessing not for IF'ers.
I'm still on bed rest. OHSS is not getting any worse. I'm still puffy and sore. Every BM is torture even after taking fiber tabs.
Today I am going to take a few minutes and go get my hair cut. I look horrible and ratty and I cannot stand it. I thought growing my hair long would look sexy. HA,HA,HA....no....on me it just looks like I cannot afford to get my hair cut.

It's official...

2006-02-20T15:50:00.000-05:00

beta in at 1476 (I was crying too loud to hear the last two numbers so I had to call them back). I go in for a repeat on Thursday and another next Monday. I'm in shock...I'm scared...I'm overjoyed!

Where is Hope when you need her?

2006-02-20T10:03:00.000-05:00

That's what I'd like to know! The cow snuck off while I was visiting my lovely nieces and nephew this weekend. She is nowhere to be found and today is my beta. I started "feeling" like I was getting my period on Saturday. I've had cramping, lower back pain and this sore feeling in my vagina that I always get before AF. I even had some pink staining in my undies. While I am still bloated, I have no pain to speak of and my OHSS is not getting worse. I've never had OHSS before so don't know what to expect but my Dr. was pretty straightforward that it would get worse if I was pregnant and get better if I was not. I would have to say I'm getting better and it SUCKS!
B is sure that we will get good news today. I am not. I'm too tired to be positive. I'm too worn out to excited. I'm too well-versed to be optimistic. And, Hope has packed her bags and left me.

All's Well

2006-02-17T14:18:00.000-05:00

Looks like things are no better and no worse. Holding steady at HUGE. I'll be able to go see that new baby this weekend and I'm pretty excited. My SIL has depression and she is not doing so well post-delivery. The same thing happened last time so my Mom and brother were better prepared but it is still hard to deal with. Brother is doing everything except cooking and watching the older kids. Just like last time, I'm sure he will be the primary caregiver for the new baby for the next couple of months. SIL just cannot do it. It is sad and irritating at the same time.
My ultrasound was fine. I've got lots of fluid in my chest and around into my back. I got to see how messed up my poor innards are thanks to the endo. One ovary is setting on top of my uterus and the other is very low in my pelvis. There is just no way I could get pregnant naturally with an bunch of organs in such shambles. After all these years and surgeries and procedures, I never knew it was in such a mess.
The US Tech was fantastic!! Such a wonderful person. She looked to see if we could see anything growing in the ole' ute and she said the lining had plumped up in a particular area and that was a good thing. It's still too early I guess to see anything of real interest. I'll get another look on Monday!
I didn't have my Beta today. I didn't cave and let them ruin my weekend. I cannot imagine going to see the new baby knowing that my potential babies were dead inside of me. That is just not my idea of an enjoyable time.

Exceeding my own expectations

2006-02-16T15:59:00.000-05:00

I had no idea just how LARGE I could get in such a small amount of time! While my belly is only an inch larger, the fluid has migrated up into my lower ribcage and my back. I don't have a lot of pain anymore and I am very glad about that. All of my clothes are horribly tight or not fitting at all. The bed rest was not bad today since I am pretty worn out. I think I'll actually get to cook dinner tonight instead of sending B out to pick up some fast food.
I got the offer to have my beta moved up to tomorrow morning but I turned it down. I just am not to ready to know yet. B would rather I just go ahead and get it over with but I'm just not ready. Monday is early enough for me. My Dr told me yesterday that he felt I had a fantastic chance of being pregnant and he wouldn't confirm that I was because he didn't have a beta in front of him but..... I wanted to be happy but instead I was scared and my response after our conversation was to be a little angry at him for getting my hopes up and maybe jinxing me. Even if I am, it could be chemical or not viable or something else painful. I know, it’s totally irrational but nothing about waiting to see if you are going to have a baby is rational.
Tomorrow I have to go by the hospital to get my fluid build-up monitored. I've got my fingers crossed that I'll be able to stay at home and not have to get drained or spend the weekend in the hospital. I'm hoping, even though I no clothes, to make the four hour trip with my Dad to see my new nephew.
My oldest niece asked me last night when I was going to have my babies and that she knew I would have a boy and a girl. I want to know who spilled the potential beans to this innocent child and who is going to explain to her why Aunt Sarah is not having a baby if that's what it comes to! I don't want it to be me but it probably will be and that's one less bit of sad news I was not planning on having to explain.

Bed sores

2006-02-15T11:41:00.000-05:00

I called (under much duress) my Dr. yesterday about my OHSS symptoms. When I told them what I was experiencing, they assured me it was common and to go see my satellite Dr. this morning. About an hour later, Satellite Nurse calls me having a huge freak out. She wanted me to go to the ER and have a chest x-ray done right away. I refused. I told her that they were blowing things out of proportion and that I didn't want to be rude but there was no way I was going to get a chest x-ray before having an ultrasound to check out the situation. I told her to just tell Satellite Dr that I was being very difficult and refusing to do as he asked but that I would see him in the morning. I know they hate me.
Last night, I began to regret my stubbornness. Oh, the pain was something else! Right in the middle of my extra large pork BBQ sandwich, I thought I was having a heart attack. I literally could not get a breath and I felt like I was being crushed by a giant vice. I think it was just gas fighting with fluid fighting with the enormous amount of food I had eaten. I'm a very small person and there is just not much space. Something had to give! B encouraged me to fart...that's his answer to every physical ailment. I thought about the fact that I was in a crowded restaurant and sitting on a vinyl seat and decided that farting would be better than dying. I've never farted in public in my life folks. This was a big step for me. But alas, it just wouldn't come out. I was worried...B was disappointed...everyone else in the restaurant let out a collective sigh of relief.
The pain never did pass completely and I went home to lounge in misery.
This morning I get up, measure my lovely new girth (33"), grab some sweats and headed to the Dr. Of course, upon opening the door I am smacked in the face by a former infertile who has decided to bring her gorgeous baby with her to the morning monitoring. Being that I am hormonal and edgy and bloated, it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut and not loudly remind her that she was at an infertility clinic and didn't she have any memory of how painful it was to see babies/children before she had one or adopted one or stole one or what-the-hell ever. It was made worse by the front desk staff who just kept making over this baby and talking about how beautiful she was and how Ms. Insensitive could bring her back any ole’ time. I wanted to vomit and not because of the PIO or the OHSS.
Anyway, I found out that I do have OHSS. My ovaries are not overly enlarged but I have a tremendous amount to fluid in my abdominal cavity. My blood pressure was high (130/94 today & usually 110/70) and I've picked up about a pound and a half. I've been ordered on strict bed rest until Feb 27 and have to be monitored every other day. I did get to ride the dildocam and you can bet your ass that I looked really hard to see if I could see anything happening in the old ute. I saw nothing and the Dr told me that we shouldn't expect to see anything because it is too early. I was really hoping that there would be something there though. I'm a little sad about that but I guess he is probably right.
So it looks like I'll be spending a little more time on the couch and I'll have to drink Gatorhell chased by some Morton's salt. I'm psyched.

Time to celebrate

2006-02-14T09:11:00.000-05:00

No, I didn't POAS. Why would I send all hope straight to hell by doing such a silly thing.
Actually, my newest nephew was born yesterday morning!! I am so psyched to see him. My Mom, who is taking care of my brother's other loin fruit, went to see him last night and gave her stamp of approval. She said he is the most beautiful baby ever. Of course I was suspicious since she is the "Grandmother" but even his older sisters announced that he is "too pretty to be a boy" and "really cute". My oldest niece, who is 8, is very concerned though that she will now be left at home all alone to take care of the new baby and do all the housework while her parents and little sister go out and have fun. I have no idea where she is getting this idea from...probably that spawn of Satan known as Disney!
As for me, I'm still bloated and really sore. I read that it gets worse as the day progresses and I can verify that as the truth. By the time I made it home last night I couldn't stand up straight because it just hurt too much. I spent the rest of the evening on the couch in a mini-trance. Once I got into bed, all I could do was stay in one position since rolling over meant moving and that was out of the question. This morning I decided to measure my waist and it has gone from 29" to 33 1/2" so I am running short on clothes to wear. I'm going to have to get creative with the attire and it's not going to be pretty!
The cramping is pretty much gone. Cervical mucus is still right on track for failure. Boobs are sore but that occurs about 50% of the time for me. I am hungry all the time but for salty stuff and I don't eat salty things as a general rule. I guess my body is running low on the salt due to all the fluid I've been drinking to help with the OHSS.
B was gone last night for work and I had serious B-withdrawal. He has been helping me out so much that it sucked to have to do everything myself. He'll be back tonight so I'm excited to have some one help me out with the dogs and dinner and other stuff.
Oh, I almost forgot....Happy Valentines Day!!

Back at it

2006-02-13T09:52:00.000-05:00

I'm back at work after being on the couch for 6 days. Lord, it felt like a life time. I'm still not feeling my best but I'm managing and I sure don't want to complain. The OHSS symptoms went away...for like 3 days. I'm now back to wearing sweatpants and they are on the verge of too tight. My stomach is huge and it hurts both inside and out. Coughing hurts, sneezing is a sudden jolt of hell, blowing my nose requires one arm under the belly and the other hand holding the tissue, laughing....oh...the torture. But I'm not complaining!
I can feel each fart and BM before THEY even know they exist. Speaking of gas...if I could somehow hook myself up to the furnace and hot water heater, I wouldn't need to pay those outrageous gas bills! I never knew I was capable of such enormous amount of disgusting bodily functions.
I've noticed over the past several nights, not only have I been dreaming a lot but my dreams are of the XXX version!! This is a rarity for me. I would usually only have dreams like these once per year if even then. I've had a solid week of dream-porn and I'm certainly not complaining about that. It's just a new one for me and I'll certainly miss it when this is all over and it goes away.
I'm experiencing a lot of back pain just like I get before my period. My cervical mucus is of the same variety as it usually is at this time. I'm ready to beat down old ladies for a bit of chocolate. I'm not so sure about how things are going to turn out this time. If I get the usual sludgy-brown spotting then I'll know what to expect come next Monday. Until then, I guess I need to get back at it!

Still here

2006-02-12T14:04:00.000-05:00

I'm still on the couch since there is nothing else to do. It has snowed so much and is so cold that all I can do is lay here and watch the Olympics. If I didn't enjoy being lazy so much, I might be getting tired of taking it easy. I've been cramping quite a bit and so I'm just trying to keep things as calm as possible. Otherwise, nothing new here. This time last year, I had been bleeding for two days. Not "maybe it's implantation" bleeding but "why am I getting my period 5 days after transfer" bleeding. So we've made it past that hurdle. I would like to be happy about that. I really, really would.

Remind me to keep my mouth shut

2006-02-09T20:36:00.000-05:00

Today was the first day that I got up for any length of time. I took a wonderful, much-needed shower and then proceeded to go to my acupuncturist. It was only a check-up since my TCM Dr. doesn't believe in interfering with what might be going on naturally. I felt perfectly fine until I started home and that's when the cramps set in. Just like in the days prior to my period. I regretted my decision to get up let alone leave the house. By the time I made it back I was hurting. B didn't even have to ask me how I was feeling; he could see it on my face and ordered me back to bed. Trust me, it didn't take much prodding. I would say it took at least an hour to get the cramping to lessen up. It’s still not completely gone and I am kicking myself for pushing my luck.
We also found out this morning that out of the 8 blasts we had left over, only three made it to the “Big Freeze”. That means that in less than 12 hours, 5 seemingly good looking blasts just gave up the ghost. It makes me concerned about the two they transferred. What if the same thing happened to those little guys too?
Any advice any of you have would be really helpful right now. Given the two issues, I am really feeling down and on the verge of worry. That is not somewhere I want to go right now.
On a much happier note, I got wind of this story and thought it was worth sharing. I'm so happy for this lady. Talk about someone who deserves some joy in her life and now she has it!
http://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/6888391/detail.html?rss=dgo&psp=news

Cracks in my ceiling

2006-02-08T16:08:00.000-05:00

The minute I get up from bed rest, I'm going after those cracks that have been driving me crazy for the past two days. Lying flat on the old back sure puts things into a different perspective. I don't remember being this antsy last time. I'm pretty sure I spent the majority of my time asleep. Not this time though. It's all I can do to stay in one place.
Yesterday's transfer went well. All told, it took about 2 minutes and I felt nothing. I'd have to say it was a smooth one. My transfer last year took about 20 minutes which is extremely long. Of course, before they get started they ask your name, dob, what you are there for, etc. I told them I was there for the ER casting call and they loved it!! We all got to laughing so hard that I got fussed at for making the ultrasound wand jump around too much. Leave it up to me to get into trouble.
Prior to the transfer, my Dr. came by to say "Hi" and discuss the option of just transferring one embryo. This was news to me since we had always talked about transferring two and since neither of my embies made it as far as needed last time, we all thought two would be a good idea. Apparently, the embryologist thought one would do the job this time. So they left the final decision up to B and I and we said "two" without a minute’s hesitation. At this point, we will take anything we get with all the risks that might be involved.
I've had no cramping or bleeding or spotting. Just constipated beyond belief which I always get with PIO. My OHSS has pretty much gone away and I'm not missing it one bit!
Before I resume my boring existence here on the couch, I just want to say that my heart is heavy for those wonderfully strong women who are fighting this infertility battle and have gotten sad news in the last few days. Life is so unfair and too short to have to deal with so much shittiness. You are each in my thoughts and prayers. Keep fighting the good fight even if you have to change tactics!

All's Well

2006-02-07T21:50:00.000-05:00

The embryos have been deposited in their new home. I'm feeling well and am so glad to have this part of the cycle behind me. I'll upate more tomorrow. Thanks to all of you who have visited my blog and passed on your positive thoughts and wishes. It truly does make all the difference. You all are the best!

Nervous

2006-02-06T15:51:00.000-05:00

I'm shocked by the level of nervousness I am feeling in regards to my pending transfer. I don't know why I'm so nervous. I've been here before. Maybe that is exactly why I am. I know how this can all end in a bloody mess...literally. I'm not sure what I will do if that is the outcome. I'm not sure how I will handle it this time or if I even can. I'm not sure that my heart can hold up or that my bank account will hold up or that my marriage will hold up. Everything seems to be pretty much up in the air right now.
It never fails either that plenty of shitty things begin to happen just when you least need them too. The last thing I need to do right now is get stressed out about work or family or money or life but it sure seems that at least one crisis is brewing in each of these areas. It just seems that I cannot get away from turmoil. It follows me everywhere. As soon as one fire is put out another one pops up. I'm sure it is like this for most other people but I don't see it.
Instead of a team of superhero crime fighters, I need a team of superhero "shitty things keep happening" fighters and I could just send them out to deliver cans of whoop-ass on all my problems! Or maybe I need that "easy" button. You know, I would have worn one out by now!!

Updates!

2006-02-05T19:53:00.000-05:00

Well, I've had a mild case of OHSS. I cannot imagine how those of you who have suffered from a more serious case of it have managed. I literally thought I would explode over the last couple of days. Things are better now or I've just gotten used to it. I noticed people in church today looking at my mid-section quizzically. Probably because I am HUGE!
I did go to my Grandpa's wedding yesterday. I had not met his girlfriend before so I almost passed out when they pulled up and I thought I was seeing my Grandma. The woman looks just like her! It is spooky...scary. My dad's comment upon seeing her was " Good Lord, Pop....when did you dig up Momma". I can see why he would have felt something for her since she looks like the woman he was married to for over 50 years. The ceremony was quite and small. The church had no heat and so we all froze. My aunt sobbed quietly throughout the ceremony. I know she misses her mom and I'm sure the ceremony was hard on her. I thought my Grandpa was going to cry at one point and I had to look away because I would have just lost it. We all had dinner together and we truly enjoyed each others company. I'm happy for him if this makes him happy and his new wife seems like a really nice person. I just hope that she loves my Grandpa as much as we do.
As for the embryo's, all 15 are still kicking! We couldn't be more pleased or feel more blessed. Eight are between 7-9 cells and seven are under 7 cells. So it looks like we will transfer on Tuesday. I'm taking it one day at a time.

Some girls got it...some girls don't.

2006-02-03T09:32:00.000-05:00

Tolerance for pain that is. I clearly don't have much. After yesterday's retrieval I thought I would literally die. Apparently, so did my husband. The procedure only took 30 minutes but I felt like they rearranged most of my internal organs so it must have taken longer. I don't think they gave me anything for pain in my IV after the procedure and so I had to take Vicodan on an empty stomach which I then promptly tried to throw up. I don't remember feeling so shitty last time. In fact, I am still lying on the couch today since I feel like some one punched me in the stomach via my snatch.
On a much happier note, they did get 17 eggs and we found out this morning that we 15 lovely embryos. We're going for a day 5 transfer and hope that we can make it there.

The little ovary that could

2006-01-31T13:53:00.000-05:00

Well, we are ready! I trigger tonight and will have the retrieval on Thursday morning. I am really nervous. It appears that I've only got one ovary that has shown up for this cycle. The other is too diseased by endo at this point to be of much use. As of today I have around 10 or so follicles and I am a lot more comfortable with that than I am with the one that Dr. Dumbass said I had last week. All 10 of those potential embryos are coming from one ovary. Talk about getting the job done! I'm thinking about asking it to help me get some work done around my office!
While I am relieved that we have come this far and have something to show for it, I'm nervous that we might not have anything to show for it when the fertilization begins. Like I told my Mom (who was kind enough to get up with me at 4:00am and make the 3 hour drive for my ultrasound), we've made one hurdle and have an assload left. She hates to hear my pretty mouth say such ugly things!
So tonight I'm going to celebrate with a shot of Ovidrel all the hard work accomplished by the little ovary that could!

Mass confusion.

2006-01-27T13:21:00.000-05:00

I called my IVF clinic yesterday after I saw my Old RE (for satellite) because I was so distraught over his insistence that I only had one follicle that looked good and basically a bunch of other junk follicles. I left a message for my nurse asking her to PLEASE call me back because I was getting ready to lose it emotionally. She called me right away and said that she was totally confused by what he told me. She said that she didn't read the information from the ultrasound the same way but she wanted to talk to my doctor and get my blood work before she said too much.
So I waited.....called my mom (the best in the world)....called B....prayed to the "Google-God's" for an answer.....waited some more.
The nurse called me back with an entirely different perspective on what is going on with my ovaries. My E2 was 521, up from 189 in just two days. Yesterday, I was only on day six of stims so it is still really early. She and the doctors cannot believe that I can possibly have just one follicle. And the most interesting thing is that she pulled my records from my last IVF (at a different clinic with the same doctor doing the satellite monitoring) and noticed that around day 5 last time, the bastard did the same thing! I had forgotten all about it but he had reported that I had three follicles and that I was not responding appropriately. My mom remembers that I had an emotional breakdown but I have completely blocked it out. Anyway, so when he reported his dismal findings to my IVF clinic, they had me come in the next day and found so many follicles that they stopped counting at 20. I ended up with 27. My current nurse, God bless her, is pretty confident that Old RE just doesn't know what the F*#K he is doing since he has done this before and nothing in my file suggests his findings are accurate not once but now twice.
They distrust his opinion so much that I am no longer being monitored by him and have to make the 4 hour trip to my IVF clinic for monitoring from now on. While they left the final decision up to me, they were blunt about the fact that they wanted me down there so they could see what is happening. My nurse told me that they would be able to set the facts straight and there would be no way they would let me continue on with this cycle if things don't look optimal. If the news is bad I want it coming from someone who knows what the hell they are talking about and knows exactly how much we already have invested in this cycle.
My IVF doctor did call me last night but I missed his call. He knows that I get upset and panic easily when it comes to my cycles. He understands and he does everything that he can do to alleviate my emotional discomfort. He could and should write a book on bedside manner. He will tell you the truth but he doesn't tell you doom and gloom. I've had enough doom and gloom and he is sensitive to that. He did remind me in his message that we would not get as high a number as we did last time and that the whole point was to get excellent quality not excellent quantity....we have discussed this several times. He doesn't want me to worry. He wants me to feel at ease and confident. Even though I didn't yesterday, I do feel better now. If this is not the right cycle then that is how it will be. I cannot change that and I'll have to let it go.

ONE

2006-01-26T09:54:00.000-05:00

That's it folks. That's all he found that he thinks will make it. The few other stragglers are too small and he doesn't think they will catch up in time.
I am speechless and am in complete shock. Nothing in my past cycles could have possibly prepared me for this. Now I know why I didn't see any antra follicles last time....because there WAS ONLY ONE.
Damn.

Day Five

2006-01-25T19:50:00.000-05:00

I'm so exhausted that I cannot think of a more interesting title. How pathetic. Over the past couple of days I have been so tired that I cannot stay awake past 9:00 p.m. That's normal for me on a Friday evening but every freaking evening....please. I know it has to be the meds. I'm also starting to really feel something going on down there. I know that I didn't begin to feel any thing happening this early last time. I am down-right uncomfortable...not complaining...just stating a fact. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to feel so rotten.
I'm going in tomorrow morning for my second blood draw and first ultrasound since starting stims. I'm anxious to hear how many follicles I’ve got cookin'. Hopefully there will be at least 3-4 on each side. I know that's asking for a lot given that I didn't see much on Friday's scan. A girl can always ask though!
I've got two faculty meetings tomorrow and I’ve decided that I'm going to wear the most comfortable clothes I can short of wearing sweats and I'll bitch-slap anyone who dares to glance at me sideways. Tweed skirt and heels be damned!!
The soap opera with my Grandpa getting remarried is intensifying. My Mom saw him today and let him know that my brother and I are very happy and excited for him. He told her that he thought we were the only people who were. That is just a damn shame and really sad. The man is LONELY and I don't see any of his kids or grandkids going to keep him company so if he wants to marry someone that he enjoys being around and keeps him company then that is his business. My Mom told me that my Dad told his sister (my aunt) to just shut her mouth about the situation and that she needs to mind her business. Someone needed to say it.
One of my best friends from college has her first consult for possible IVF next week. She emailed me with a ton of questions. I tried to give her good, positive information. I made a conscious effort to not sound to pessimistic. I told her that I hoped her trip down this road was quick and successful. I'm certainly not a good example of how successful IVF can be. I've talked to several women who have just started this journey and I hate being the person they talk to because I don't want them to look at me and get discouraged. I don't want to pass my doubts and pain and faithlessness on to them. It's hard enough to get through this process when you've got some hope to hold onto. When you've got nothing, it's fucking impossible.

Chugging right along

2006-01-24T15:12:00.000-05:00

Just got a call from the nurse. All is well down below. For now that is. I get to stay on my same dose of Follistim, L-d HCG and Lupron. I did think to ask her about my E2. It's 189 after 3 days of stims. I have no fucking idea what this means but she answered me with a cheery, peppy voice. I love the cheery, peppy voice so I'm just not going to think about the #'s.
The downside is that I had to order another vial of Follistim which means B and I will not eat for the next month. Good God that stuff is expensive!!! After all these years of paying for this crap you would think I wouldn't fall out of my chair every time I have to place a new order. But I do have a mini heart attack each and every time.
I've had a little something weird going on with this cycle. I don't believe in coincidence so I'm not sure how to frame the fact that last year's IVF cycle started on the same day as my current IVF. It's just odd. Those of you who've been through this know that with all the strange variables that can be thrown into the mix, the odds of having two IVF's start on the same day a year apart is just not ordinary. It's downright freaky!

Lazy

2006-01-23T09:03:00.000-05:00

Lord, am I ever lazy. .. and ambivalent. .. and grouchy...and sore. It seems that even after the bad news on Friday, my clinic has decided to go ahead with the cycle. I started on my Follistim/Low-dose HCG on Saturday morning and Follistim/Lupron on Saturday night. I've never had this protocol before and the four shots are torture. I'm not a very big person and even though I have PLENTY of fat on my belly, I just don't have a lot of space. I'm running out of room. I'm bruised and sore and splotchy and counting down the days until I can say "Goodbye" to stims. The Low-dose HCG has got to be the worst though. It is like shooting up napalm. I have never in my life felt something so God-awful painful.
But enough with that. What I have really noticed is my complete lack of interest in this cycle. Ordinarily, I'm a very control-oriented person and am very precise in most things but I'm beginning to see a new me. I'm lazy about when I take my shots (within reason!!) and I'm not setting by the phone drumming my fingers waiting for my nurse to call with the latest news. She told me Friday what my E2 and P4 numbers were and I cannot even remember what she told me because I wasn't really listening since I've come to the conclusion that I have no control over them anyway. I'm an official IVF slob and it's somewhat embarrassing.
On a more positive note though, I am a lot more relaxed emotionally this time. I'm not obsessing and I'm not worrying. There is nothing I can do to change what is going to happen. I've experienced the bad and I survived it. If need be, I know with confidence I can do it again. Good or bad, I'm out of the control loop and I've never felt better. It's like taking a vacation from "me". I'm considering making it a permanent one.

From the "Friends WILL say the shittiest things" file.....
Friend I commute with: "I'm going to be gone from Feb# until Feb # (two weeks) on a SKI TRIP
TO EUROPE."
Me: "Oh, that sounds awesome. So, I guess we'll just pick up riding together when you get
back?"
Friend: " Yeah...but the reason I mentioned it is because I wanted to see if you could arrange
your IVF TO CORRESPOND WITH MY BEING ON VACATION so that I don't have
to drive in by myself. It would be more convenient for me to not have the extra gas
expense before my trip. Do you think that would be possible?"
Me: "Well, let me consult my ovaries and see if they are up to conveniencing you. I'll get back
to you on it".

End of Conversation

Someone up there must not like me.

2006-01-20T10:05:00.000-05:00

At my scan this morning, my old RE found a fibroid. WTF????? Do I really need this? NO. I mean what is next? I wouldn't be surprised if they found Jimmy Hoffa's body tucked neatly behind my right ovary! Oh...and that' s not the worst of it...I also only saw 3 antra follicles. THREE. Last time I had at least 8 on each side. Old RE's response to this mornings clusterfuck was "Well, maybe I'll see you later this week...who knows...just call me when 'they' decide what to do".
What a great way to start a cycle!

Interesting

2006-01-18T14:17:00.000-05:00

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,182027,00.html

It would be interesting if they would now compare fertile women to women who have been diagnosed with certain types of infertility that affect their ability to ovulate. Not holding my breath on this one...no pun intended.

Baby Tom Thumb

2006-01-18T08:49:00.000-05:00

B had a dream this weekend that he went in for the embryo transfer and they implanted the embryos into his thumb. He said he could feel them moving around in there and he was terrified that he was going to smash them between his thumb and forefinger. He kept forgetting they were there. He said it was a nightmare and when he woke up he was sweating and his thumb was cramping. I was a little concerned at how stressed out he seemed to about this whole thing and how he appears to be internalizing it. I tried to lighten the mood up by letting him know that I had always wanted a Baby Tom Thumb! He was so distraught over his dream that he could only eek out a chuckle. I'm glad it's me going in for the transfer!!
On Friday I go in for my suppression check. I'm hoping that all is well and that I have managed to "pass" this time. Yes, I failed suppression in October/November thanks to my stupid former nurse, Bubba and his inability to order a simple blood test. While I will be overjoyed to be suppressed, I'm hoping that I'm not TOO suppressed. According to my Dr., my system is very, very sensitive to medications and that can be a problem. So if all looks well, I'll start stims on Saturday. Will I ever be glad to decrease that Lupron. What a bitch that stuff is. I swear, I feel psychotic when I'm taking it which is odd because when you are truly psychotic you don't realize it. Just strange.
Side note....my grandpa is getting remarried and it is causing quiet a stir. My grandma had been very sick for a number of years and my grandpa had taken care of her the entire time. I don't think he ever left her side. She died in April 05 and while he missed her, I think he was relieved too. For the first time in over 30 years he was able to travel, to visit his sisters, to enjoy life. My grandma was a somewhat bitter person and shut her and my grandpa off from everyone except immediate family (and don't think she didn't try to eliminate us on some level as well). Well, it looks like he has decided that life is too short and he doesn't want to spend the rest of his all alone. Apparently, my uncles, aunt and my dad are not happy about this and are pouting. I can understand where they are coming from and I can appreciate their pain upon hearing his plans. But at the same time, I am glad/relieved that he is going after some happiness. We all deserve a little bit of happy....so Grandpa....GET SOME.

Some people...

2006-01-11T13:57:00.000-05:00

For those of you who didn’t know: http://people.aol.com/people/articles/0,19736,1145171,00.html

"There's something about making a choice, waking up and traveling somewhere and finding your family."

Oh if it were this easy for the rest of us. I know I am a royal bitch, but I just cannot help but detest this woman on so many levels.

The "Runs"

2006-01-11T13:26:00.000-05:00

At some point, the Universe takes a dump on everyone. For me, the Universe has a bad case of diarrhea. Desperately looking for a cure…

Here we go again

2006-01-10T11:04:00.000-05:00

We it's time to start down the IVF road AGAIN. This morning in the bathroom, my lovely husband looked at me and asked, "is it time for you to start taking your shots again"? I glared at him over my Lupron vial and asked, "and the reason you are asking that question is....."? To which he replied "Just so you know I'm with the program". We both just stared laughing because there is nothing else to do when you've been down this road of glass shards before. We laugh so that we can force back the tears and the cries of agony as our hearts break. We will do more laughing over the next few weeks than we would normally do in a few months.
While in grad school getting my counseling degree, I read about these "laughing groups" that had been formed and studied in India. The aim was to help people increase their overall physical and mental health. These strangers would get together and begin to force themselves to laugh. At first it was just fake laughing but it never failed that someone would begin really laughing followed by another and another until the whole group was genuinely laughing uncontrollably. The results were certainly measurable. Not a single member of the group suffered from depression, many of them had improved physical health, they all reported to have a better life outlook and more positive attitude.
I think about the idea of forcing yourself to laugh even when it's not funny. If I had to guess, I would say that IF'ers do this a lot. We are good at laughing and laughing until someone else picks up on it and laughs right along and eventually the laughing becomes genuine. But for us, I wonder if it ever becomes real or if we just fade into the background once we know everyone else is doing just fine.

Something New

2006-01-09T11:00:00.000-05:00

I’ve decided to go to a Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine while going through this IVF cycle. It is going to be as expensive as hell but I’m hoping it will be worth it. I had a good first session with Dr.Greg. He is nice, knowledgeable and not pushy. He spent an hour asking me about my menstrual cycle. He was very interested in the specifics and he really listened to what I told him. It is his feeling, given all the gory details, that I a full of phlem or mucus and that it is toxic to maintaining a pregnancy. He is concerned that my spleen does not function normally and that my kidneys and liver are not operating at full capacity. Until I can get some of the mucus that is blocking everything cleared up, then he says that a pregnancy will not occur naturally and might be hindered in the implantation process. He made his case understandable and convincing. Many of the things he said were things that I had thought or wondered about. Dr. Greg doesn’t thing that my body has any balance or any regularity on any level. I don’t eat regularly, have regular bowel movements, my weight fluctuates like crazy, and my cycles are too long and nothing close to regular by anyone’s estimation. He admitted that while he has worked quite successfully with many women who are infertile, he has never worked with someone going through IVF. We are both eager to learn and see how one process will affect the other.
I did a session of acupuncture and it was nothing like what I anticipated. I could feel the needles and it was a bit uncomfortable. I was surprised given all the number of times I’ve stuck myself just how much I minded being stuck. I had several tiny needles inserted in my head, legs, feet and my hands. About 15 minutes into the session I tried to move my hands and they hurt so badly that I couldn’t pick them up. I flexed my fingers a couple of times (in agony) and then the pain went away. It was strange…weird…different. I’ll go once a week for the next few weeks.

Updates

2006-01-06T13:49:00.000-05:00

My brother made it home safely from Iraq. As a family, we are overjoyed to have him back and in one piece. We realize how fortunate we are. I have never seen a couple of kids as excited as my nieces were to see their “Daddy”. Nor have I ever seen my brother so overwhelmed by attention. I was a bit concerned at first about his ability to smoothly transition back into his regular life. With the passing of time though, my mind has been put more at ease in regards to his adjustment. He is now thoroughly enjoying being with his “girls”.
Speaking of excited, his dog took the cake. I have never seen a dog act so manic in my entire life. I thought the dog as going to literally crawl under my brother’s skin. You would think my brother had given birth to the dog by watching the way that crazy thing acted when bro walked through the door. I’d give good money to know what that dog was thinking.

I thought I would add a “Friends do say the Shittiest Things” tidbit in this post. A couple of days ago, a friend (ha, ha) looked at me and said “there is absolutely no way I could ever take care of both of my children at the same time because it is just too hard”. I was speechless but of course inside I was screaming “WTF….why are you even procreating…do we need more weak-assed, spoiled people like you taking up space…just give me those kids and let me show you how it’s done…damn it all!

Sometimes

2006-01-06T13:46:00.000-05:00

Sometimes our prayers just don’t get answered. It is just as simple and just as complex as that. Yet, the sadness and pain that one faces in light of this is in no way dulled either way. On Tuesday night, I prayed and asked God if he couldn’t just give us one more miracle and save the lives of the trapped miners at Sago. I cried silently while I asked Him to prove that He could still perform miracles…that He was still listening to our broken pleadings...that He remembers we are still here. Around 1:00 a.m. when I heard that twelve survivors had been found I was overcome with joy and I said a prayer of thanksgiving for the miracle. I thought what a wonderful opportunity it was for people to begin to believe that God is in control!
I was shocked to learn Wednesday on my way to work that in reality only one man had survived. For a brief moment, I struggled with the thought of where our miracle had gone.
Then the realization hit me that even one man surviving is in itself truly miraculous. Every variable was stacked against his survival. Anyone who has spent time working in a mine or who has a loved one who made a living at mining cannot deny the improbability that anyone would make it back out alive without divine intervention.
Is this the best that God could do, the best He could give us? I don’t think so but I don’t know the end of the story and I don’t know what transpired in those blindingly dark hours that those men sat and contemplated their lives. I’m sure in the notes they left to their loved ones they opened their hearts and held nothing back. I hope that in those last moments God did reach out to each of them with love and compassion, took them in His arms, and carried them into heaven.

Breakdown

2006-01-03T11:47:00.000-05:00

For a long time I have prided myself on being able to hide how much my crushed dreams cut at my soul. It has been the last thing that I’ve been able to hold on to and can say “I’m in control of this…I’m in charge”. The events that transpired a few weekends ago were the like the final drops of water that freezes in the cracks of something unquestionably solid and causes it to crumble into dust.
On Friday night, my husband announced to me that an old, ex-friend had called him to report that his wife was ten weeks pregnant…with twins. This is their third pregnancy in 4 years. Apparently, their youngest son was only 7 months old when she became pregnant with these babies. This is the same woman who told me (back when B and I were trying to adopt a baby) that I was not fit to be a mother if I chose to wait the thirty day period in which a mother can change her mind before we took the child into our home. She informed me that in those thirty days I would miss the most important parts of the child’s life and we would never fully bond and how could I even consider sending that child into temporary foster care instead of bringing her home with me.
So when B told me, I could feel the last little thread of “life makes sense” evaporate like a spider web in fierce wind. That she could have this blessing fall to her yet again, this excess of generosity, took my breath. I could feel myself spiraling.
On Sunday, my Sunday school teacher placed a piece of paper in front of each of us. He wanted us to identify and talk about a breakthrough that we had during the year. At first, I was afraid to write anything. I didn’t want people to know that over the course of this year that I had been broken down to the rawest part of my being. I had lost all sense of control and ability to affect any level of my life. What I didn’t realize during the process was this had to happen…I had to come to the realization that there is nothing I can do to change the outcome of my life. So on Sunday, with this question staring me in the face, I finally understood. I finally let it all go. I had a breakdown and a breakthrough in front of the entire class. What I didn’t know at the time was that there were other people in the class who had felt the same thing during the past year and like me had tried to hide the ugliness that their lives had become. A few days later, a girl that I hardly talk to told me that listening to me talk was like hearing herself and she thanked me for saying what she couldn’t. I wonder now how many more of us there are just out there living in a world of sadness and despair with no one to hear our hearts breaking.
For me though, the result of my breakdown/through has been beyond words. I feel light and free. People have commented on how I look less bogged down and less burdened. My mom told me I looked better than I had in a couple of years. I don’t feel pressured. I know that I’m blessed and loved and totally NOT in control. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

If you pray...

2006-01-03T11:02:00.000-05:00

please remember to do so for the miners trapped at Sago and for their families. This situation does not look good and a miracle is certainly needed at this point. When someone you care about works in the mining industry, this is a fear that hangs over your head. The wait must be agonizing. It's just heartbreaking. Please don't forget these folks today and in the days to come.

Strange Dreams

2005-12-19T13:39:00.000-05:00

I don’t usually dream at night when I sleep so when I do, I take a certain interest in what ideas pass through my mind. I recently had a dream that someone that I don’t know died and left me and my husband in charge of their 5 children. They were all under the age of ten. In fact, four of them were under the age of five. To say that I was overwhelmed is an understatement. In my dream, I had to quit my job in order to take care of these four little kids (all boys by the way). I was losing my MIND. I remember just looking at B, throwing my hands up in the air and saying “Okay…what I am supposed to do with all these little people?” Not only did we have all this new responsibility but I had come to the realization that not everyone would get to eat (that “everyone” being me) on a daily basis and I would never get to go shopping again and buy perfectly meaningless things that give me great pleasure. I remember catching a look at myself in the windows of a passing bus and the glimpse I got horrified me. I was holding a very tiny baby in one arm and the hands of two other kiddies in the other. I looked ragged and unkept. I clearly had not taken a shower in a couple of days and my clothes looked like they had been on me so long that they could walk around without me in them. All I could think was how anyone could have done such a cruel thing to me. I wasn’t prepared to be a MOM. What a NIGHTMARE.
When I woke up I was rattled and afraid to go down stairs in case it was true and some crazy, haggard woman had left her kids on my front porch. Turns out, it was just a dream after all and I promptly ran to the mall and spent some $$$ on me!

Apology Accepted

2005-12-06T19:05:00.000-05:00

On Friday, B and I went to see our Doctor about our recently cancelled cycle. We really like this guy even after all the hell we have been through with the Embryo Factory he partially runs. Let's just say that the apologies were NOT in short supply. And rightly so! He acknowledged that failing suppression is rare and could have easily been avoided had Nurse Bubba not let us fall through the cracks (or canyons as it would seem here). I was dismayed that the staff felt our visit to "discuss things" was brought on by my "personal dislike of Nurse Bubba". I was emphatic that I didn't have a "personal" dislike for him since I did not "personally" know him but that I did not trust him professionally. This seemed to kick on the light switch for our Doctor. He then admitted that he was glad I was not one of those women who blamed them/him for everything that goes wrong in a cycle and that given what I had experienced while working with them, he would feel the same way. So apparently, as long as you don't have a "personal" gripe but instead have a "professional" gripe then you can be taken seriously.

&*#^%*!&(#....whatever!

I now have a new protocol and a new nurse. BCP's to get things calmed down followed by Lupron followed by stims. Hopefully, this will keep me from getting stimulated from the Lupron like last time. My Doctor did stress that this whole scenario could repeat itself because I am "super sensitive to the meds". We are hoping that it won't and my super sensitivity will result in a good number of eggs instead.

Here is why I like my Doctor so much: he believes this is going to work. The man has no doubt in his mind what so ever. After apologizing, coming up with a new plan and performing a little marriage counseling after B broke down and told him "I cannot take having her so upset and stressed like this again because it doesn't have to be this way", he looked me square in the eye and asked me if I was prepared to have twins...was I sure I could take the physical and emotional stress because he fully anticipated that I would get pregnant with twins and come back to see him a year or so later for an FET for number three. Some people might see his comments as cocky or promising too much. But for me, it is exactly what I need to hear. I need someone to believe that it will work and it will have a happy ending because I am not strong enough to entertain such thoughts anymore. Also, my doctor is a Christian and we have talked about that several times. He reminds me that he has M.D. after his name and not G.O.D. While I have lost most of my faith in God and haven't done much praying in the last year, I still believe that He is in charge whether I like His plan or not. So I asked my Doctor to pray for me and I know that he does and that he will because he said he would. And while he reminds me that he is just the instrument and the final outcome is not up to him, his faith and assuredness is all I have to hold on to right now.

I don't know what I am doing...

2005-11-29T10:34:00.000-05:00

but when i posted my last entry, it would not allow me to have comments. I LOVE comments so I'm attempting to leave another post to see if I can figure this comment thing out.

Back in the Saddle Again

2005-11-29T09:25:00.000-05:00

Today is my first day back at carpooling with my wonderful friend who has been out on maternity leave. I am so grateful to have her back! Although we have only known each other for about two years, it feels like I have known her forever. There are places in life where we have crossed paths so closely and were totally unaware of one another. For example, we have a college friend in common, we dated the same guy at the same time and had the same gut reaction to him, we lived only a couple of blocks from one another at one point, we went to the same college but at different times, etc...
It's almost like a missing part of myself was found when I met her. I know it sounds cheesy but it's true. So in feeling such a connection to someone, it goes without saying that there might be some conflict. So here it is....her baby lived and mine didn't. And it hurts like hell.
When I first met my friend, she was content with just having one child and building her career. I was on the path to motherhood (ha, ha) and that was my focus. I'd been trying for 4 years at that point and had nothing to show except some battle scars on my belly and my heart. Over the course of several months (winter thru summer) of my last-ditch IUI efforts, my friend listened to my pain and frustration and even seemed interested in what I was going through. Never did she mention that she was even considering another child and in fact, did say that she was not ready for one. So I was surprised when she told me in late summer/early fall that she had decided to get pregnant and the timing was right and she didn't want a baby to mess up her schedule anymore than it had to. All I could think was how selfish she was.
A couple of weeks later, she told me she was pregnant...the day after I discovered that my final IUI did not work. So now I could add a dose of jealousy on top of my misery.
Days and weeks go by and I can barely stand to be in the car with her during our commute knowing that she is pregnant. On the day of her ultrasound she calls me and asks me to "Google" something for her. Her baby's heartbeat is too slow and the pregnancy doesn’t look viable. Now I get to add a dash of guilt. I have to confirm her bad news and it's a painful thing to do. I take care of her child after her D & C and I'm glad that I can be there for her and that she trusts me enough to take care of something she loves so much.
When she comes back to work, she doesn't want to talk about her lost baby. She tells me that she just wants to forget it ever happened. For all the likeness we share, here is where we differ. While I cannot imagine not validating my pain and loss, she cannot imagine feeling either one.
A couple of months later, she is back on the baby-making train and so am I. She now talks non-stop about getting pregnant and how it will inconvenience her schedule but that if I am going to be pregnant then so does she.
We both get pregnant. My babies die and her baby thrives. Over the course of my miscarriage, I never hear a sympathetic word from her. Just as she pretended to have never lost a child, she refuses to acknowledge my loss. I ride with her to work every day for 8 months seeing her child grow and become more real. Her baby is born a week before my due date and when I go to see them in the hospital, I do not suppress my joy for her nor my sadness that I could have been there too.
Today is her first day back and I've missed her. In most ways, I'm glad that she has her baby. As selfish as it sounds, I'm hoping that this new year will be all about watching MY baby grow.

For this, I am thankful.

2005-11-28T18:15:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving was wonderful! I had a marvelous time with my family. The food was great, everyone was in a good mood and I found some great buys on Friday. B (my husband) and I spent five days together with out arguing once. This is quite an accomplishment. Usually, all I can stand is about three days before he gets on my last nerve!
I talked with my brother for a while on Friday night. He is in Iraq so our opportunities to talk with one another are limited. Thank God for email though! He is in good spirits and looking forward to coming home before Christmas. I cannot wait to see the looks on the faces of his kids when he walks off the plane. They are going to be psyched to see their "Daddy".
While thinking about my cancelled IVF this weekend, I came to the conclusion that I am actually happy that we were not doing a retrieval/transfer over the holidays and that I will not have to spend Christmas depressed because I didn't get/stay pregnant.

Life is hard

2005-11-23T09:30:00.000-05:00

I'm finally starting to feel less Lupron-crazy and more like myself. It's so nice to get through that nastiness! I am totally psyched about Thanksgiving and spending time with my family (the best in the world) and eating my mom's fantastic cooking. To say that this year has been a good one for my family as a whole would be lying. It's been a struggle for all of us in so many ways. There has been so much death and loss for each of us and yet we are all hanging in there. Sometimes I wonder where most of us get the strength to carry on when life hands you nothing but shit over and over. I have a friend who says to me "Life is HARD" and the way she says it makes it come alive and I think about how right she is. It is HARD. And yet we keep at it because there really is nothing else to do.
I looked at these tarot cards today and they told me that I need to let go and rediscover who I am. This is something that I have been thinking about a lot as well. I have kept telling myself that if our IVF in Jan. does not work then I need to find some new meaning in my life and find a purpose and basically just start living again. The pursuit of a family drains all of the life out of you (ironic) and puts your living on hold. So I've been giving thought to having to leave my stuck self behind and it's scary. It's scary because it means I'll have to admit that I am not going to be a mom and I'll have to leave all of my dreams of children behind. Seeing something that reconfirms my thoughts on the cards just rattles me even more.
In an effort to leave my disappoinment about my cancelled cycle behind, I've begun my Chirstmas shopping. It has been snowing off and on this week and so I am totally in the mood for the holiday season. I'm finding it difficult to get creative this year with my gift giving. I've yet to find a single gift that is unique yet usable. I hate to spend money on things that don't have a function...unless someone asks for such an item. I have to help my Dad do his shopping for my Mom every year (I can remember helping him pick out a robe for Mom when I was two) and I am at a total loss. Even when I ask her what she wants, there is nothing she can say with certainty that she wants. I'm sure I'll come up with something especially since it's Dad's money I'm spending so there will be no worries on having a limit! If anybody has any suggestions, please help me out.

CANCEL is not a pretty word

2005-11-15T14:20:00.000-05:00

After being on Lupron for 19 days with no period, my Dr. cancelled my upcoming IVF cycle. Rightly so but thanks for waiting so long. Now I am suffering through a post-Lupron period and it truly blows. To say that we are pissed is putting it mildly. We will not be able to begin again until Jan. 06 which means (1) having to stay on our insurance for six more months at an additional cost of a couple thousand smackers, (2) losing medications that will expire in December, (3) enduring the emotional roller coaster just one more time, (4) repeat tests/blood draws/wandings/etc.
Things have gotten so bad between us and the clinic that my husband called the head nurse today and demanded (nicely and while using big words that I taught him) that we have a consult with the Dr., Nurse Bubba, us, and whoever else might need to get involved before we proceed because some things have to change. Namely, we need a new nurse. This dude we are working with has so completely messed things up that we don't know if we are coming or going. Head Nurse admitted to Husband on the phone that they had dropped the ball on this one by not ordering a Prog. test to make sure I had ovulated when the LH sticks said I did. Because this test was not run, I started the Lupron too early which caused me to flare instead of being repressed. I am surprised that they actually admitted they made this mistake but I'm glad they did because now we have some leverage to get some things changed...like dropping Nurse Bubba. We better not have to pay for this consult either!

Why not just ask first?

2005-11-07T14:09:00.000-05:00

I got a call on Saturday afternoon from Nurse Somebody telling me that she was sorry to let me know that I was not pregnant. The thing is, I didn't know pregnancy was even a possibilitythis month. First, I haven't had sex in a very loooooong time. Had I ended up pregnant I'd have a lot of explaining to do. Second, when on Lupron, I know to use birth control. Third, I've seen what happens to a child conceived while on Lupron and it can be not so nice. Fourth, it is nothing for me to have my period 18+ days after ovulating. That's why I don't waste my money on pee sticks.
All I could do was laugh when Nurse Somebody broke the sad, sad news to me. I think she thought I was nuts and maybe I am but shit, that's nobody's business. She asked me " Well, didn't Nurse Bubba tell you he ordered the test based on your E2 and Proges. levels being elevated?(NO) We thought maybe you were pregnant because women DO get pregnant right before they start their IVF cycle. So it just looks like you'll get your period in a couple of days."
Yeah, thanks for telling me.
I just wish instead of dipping into my wallet and spending my $$$ that Nurse Bubba had asked me if there was any way that I could be pregnant. Or instead of worrying me that there was really something wrong all weekend, tell me you were concerned about a possible prenancy instead of making me thing I might have a SERIOUS PROBLEM.
If I make it to transfer it will be a fucking miracle.

So...Did I tell you my IVF clinic sucks?

2005-11-04T15:19:00.000-05:00

Oh where to begin my rant about just how horrible things are at the clinic I am using (thanks to my Po-Dunk Insurance Company). First, it took me two months to have the IVF coordinator CALL ME BACK in order to set up an initial consult. That's two months of me calling every day, several times per day and only getting her voice mail. Granted, I only left a message once per week but Hells bells, I didn't want to be labeled before they got a good taste. I should have taken it as a warning of things to come when I could get no one on the phone....ever!
But I enjoy torture so I kept at it and finally got my consult. The very minute they revealed their utterly amazing success rate I was hooked. I decided that it just didn't matter what had happened in the past. I could forgive and forget. After all, according to the numbers, these folks had their shit in order. I went on my very merry way and life was good. That was until I called my very own IVF nurse (Dumbass Bubba) on CD 1 and got the voice mail. Every. Day. For. A. WEEK. No return calls from him at all. But I did get this call from another nurse who was "covering for him (giggle, giggle)" who said "gosh, we need to get you on BCP's". This was on CD 4 so no big deal. It was the first I had heard of it though. So Nurse Bimbo promises me that Nurse Bubba will call me back the very next day. Of course, he doesn't. And another week goes by. So by now I am shitting my pants because I've been here before and I know that certain things need to be done at certain times and in a certain order. My Dr. (who is awesome) apparently has total disconnect and is oblivious to what is going on at the Embryo Factory. I have this vision of Santa letting his illiterate, lazy, sloppy assed elves be responsible for organizing present delivery on Christmas Eve and when no body gets a damn thing for Christmas they just don't give a flying rip. They'll just try to get you on the list for next month. Yep, that's my clinic.
Anyway, I did eventually get things moving after I called the FINANCE DIRECTOR and had an emotional breakdown and told her we would just have to move on to another clinic with our pot of gold and how I have a really big mouth and know lots of other women who would be interested to know how things are done at the Embryo Factory. I'm guessing they get this call a helluva lot since the situation got resolved in about 5 minutes flat.
Nurse Bubba tells me to "get a cell phone" so he can call me and get me at any time. Now I don't want a cell phone and don't really need one but just to facilitate things and play nice, I go out and get one. I promptly call his voicemail (surprise) and leave the number for him. That was last week.
Speed up to today......I go in for my E2/Prog. BW and wand-ride so I can know what to do about tonight’s Lupron shoot up. Then I call Bubba's voicemail and let him know AGAIN that he can reach me at my new cell number. I lug said cell phone into meetings and whatnot all the while explaining how sorry I was that if the phone rang I would have to get it and so on. The phone never rings. I go back into my office to see that Nurse Bubba, living up to his potential as an idiot, has called my work number. All I could do was burst into a good long cussing session with my colleagues and boss watching. They didn't even blink and I probably need to consider that seriously.
Eventually Bubba and I connect. So, I'm on Lupron for the next bit since my "E2 and Prog. are elevated" and "there is some concern about it" but they "don't know what the problem is so more tests are being run". "Call me with your period". CLICK.
Fuck you very much, Nurse Bubba, for being such a shitass communicator on every level known to mankind. I just wish I could personally tell you how much I love your little info. drive-by and how I am just as much in the dark now as I was before you called.

My first!

2005-11-03T15:31:00.000-05:00

So this is my v, v first post! I am pretty darn excited!! I'm not sure the direction that my blog will take at this point other than wanting a place where I can vent and gripe about my life. Since infertility is an overwhelming part of my life right now I'll probably focus much of my posting on this aspect of who I am.
So....as of right now I am waiting to begin my second IVF cycle. The first one didn't go exactly like I wanted and so I waited almost a year before I could even begin to contemplate going through this process all over again. It wasn't the shots or the money or the time commitment that kept me so hesitant for so long. Nope...it was fear. Plain and simple and raw. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of reality.
It is odd the same emotion that kept me far away from treatment all these months is the same one that has brought me crashing back after evaluating whether or not I could live the rest of my life not knowing "what if". I cannot.
So here I am. Except this time I'm not afraid. Instead I'm really pissed off and I'm ready to fight.